Saturday, April 30, 2016

Fearfully Frozen

Like I said last time, fear is a powerful motivator for deep privacy. I am really only beginning to recognize the depth of the role fear has played in my life.

I read, a lot, and one of the benefits of reading is that you can observe all angles of a situation, you can see clearly the battle, and often the solutions that evade me in real life, and my eyes are opened. One of the eye openers lately has been this theme of fear. Fear is isolating. Fear is restricting.

In a recent book I'm re-reading, the heroine fell to her knees in tears (and in private) and her tears were healing. God spoke to her in that moment of brokenness. He also spoke to me.

In my thoughts, I fall to my knees often. In my head I collapse in His arms.... but I rarely, if ever, do it in life. I'm a whole different person in my head. Part of it is that I fear falling apart. I feel like a shattered windshield, held together solely by the shatter proof threads built into a windshield and if I fall, if I drop, I will break completely into a million pieces, never to be whole again.

There it is. Truthfully, I don't feel whole now, but at least I "look" all together... sort of. Those looking at me see that I'm all together, that I'm all there, nothing glaringly obvious is missing. If I let people in, if I open the door of my heart, they might notice there are cracks in the windshield. They might see I'm being held together with ugly duct tape and mud. If they touch me, I might shatter in front of their eyes and who would want to see that?

I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have the energy to fall to pieces. .... at least, that's what I tell myself, but maybe it's that I don't have enough faith to let it all go. If I stopped trying to hold it all together, maybe I would have the energy I need to fully live.....

Maybe not.

Sunday, April 17, 2016


I have always been a private person, and in the last 6 - 11 years I have found myself becoming more so. It's not easy for me to open my heart and soul, to expose myself to others. The reasons for this are varied and all boil down to fear. Fear of being taken advaantage of, fear that what I say will be used against me, to hurt me. Sadly this has happened. These aren't irrational fears, they are based on experience. Those who purport to love me the most have taken advantage of me and hurt me deeply, using what they know of me and my story to do so.... overcoming those fears is a journey. God keeps calling me to it and I'm doing my best to answer His call.

So, now you know where I am coming from. Why my blogs are sporadic at best. Please bear with me as I endeavour to share my heart with you.

About 15-16 years ago I began to dream a dream. I started thinking of something that I would love to do. Around the same time God put in my life people who believed in me, people who encouraged me, people who set up opportunities for me. I am a singer. I love to sing and I'm not horrible at it. I was put in a place where a tv show would hear me sing and I was encouraged that it could be an opening door. Somehow while I sang of God's love I was overcome with the feeling that this was not my path. That this dream would (also) not come true. I felt that God was saying "no", or at least "not right now". Nothing came of the experience and I believed that dream was not meant to be mine... and yet I haven't been able to truly let it go.

Along the journey of my life almost every one of my dreams has been abandoned, shattered or blocked in one way or another. Many of the messages I have received have been that I don't deserve happiness. That my lot is to be disappointed, pushed to the background, to be a shadow of someone else and never to shine on my own. If that is God's call for my life, I will accept and be happy with it... but then I feel guilty for dreaming of more, for wanting what is not mine to have. And yet, is it not God who gives us the desires of our hearts? Is it not God that reveals to us what the desires of our hearts are? How do I reconcile the desires of my heart, my dreams, with the realization/belief that what I dream of will not come true for me? As I get older it feels like time is running out on some of them, maybe on all of them.

I love being a supporting role for my friends and family. I love knowing that what I do can help them succeed and pursue their dreams. Many times I don't know where my value is if I don't have that. Other times I experience envy and wish that I could have my dreams too. I have spent my life doing good for others, serving wherever there was an opening, helping wherever I could be of use.

It's likely my own fears, my own resistance to being vulnerable that stand in my own way. Maybe one day I'll recognize the open door and be able to walk through it. Until then.... I cling to God, I cling to trusting His plan for my life and I'll keep helping those I love pursue and realize their dreams. I'll keep asking Him what my goals should be, what path my life should follow.