It's so hard to believe. For 2 weeks, I've been playing telephone tag with Millie. Never able to catch her at the right time, wanting to catch up with her and see how things were going. Today, it's too late. This morning, Millie didn't wake up, she was gone. I won't find out why she didn't make it to the Women's Retreat, I won't hear her laugh about her grand-daughters antics, I'll never see the flower in her hair on Sabbath morning. And that's me. How can her husband be feeling? Her children? Her grandchild?
I grieve for her family today. Their loss is astounding. Today they can't imagine how life will go on, but it will. One day will follow another until they realize a whole month, then a season, then a year has gone by and they are still getting through it. They will get through it. I just wish they could escape the pain that is their's to come in the days and months ahead. I want to take them in my arms and shield them. I can't. God can and He will, yet they still have this pain to get through, to survive.
Millie is at peace. She's resting. She no longer knows pain or sorrow, no more sadness or tears, no more worries about money or health or family.... The rest of us do. We must continue to consider these things.
In a way I envy Millie. Tomorrow morning, when she wakes up, it will be to the beautiful, glorious sight of our returning Saviour. I get to meet her again there. We selfishly want her here. She's needed here. She's loved here. She will be greatly missed here.
I'm gonna dance with her in heaven though.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Beauty
I've been sick lately with the vilest flu I can ever recall having. Finally, after 4 days, I went to the doctor who sent me for a prescription. Even though I was seriously lacking energy, I took the opportunity to wander the store in search of some much needed groceries for our family. I was grateful for the gravol keeping me on my feet without... well... you can imagine, but I was exceedingly drained and ready just to crawl into bed. The Safeway staff were wonderful and amazing with me, I felt noticed by and important to them as they went out of their way to try to make my day easier. As I waited for the checkout cashier to give me the number for my parcel pick up, I looked up at the lady in line behind me to apologize for delaying her. As I did so, I really looked at her and she just took my breath away. She was so gorgeous! I made a point of telling her so and the smile that spread across her face just made my day.
One of my favourite books is "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. One of the points that they make is that every woman longs to be seen as a beauty. This is a longing that begins in childhood and continues all through our lives, it never ends. It is a deep seated need in a woman to be desired, to be seen, to be seen as beautiful. When I told this lady how gorgeous I saw her, I saw in her that need sated for a moment. That smile transcend anything else that might have been happening in her day.
I want to challenge you as you go into your day to really look at people. To notice them. Compliment them where possible, make their day easier when you can. It made a difference to me, I'm sure it made a difference to the lady in line behind me and I know you can make a difference in someone else's day also!
Go out and dance with someone else today!
One of my favourite books is "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. One of the points that they make is that every woman longs to be seen as a beauty. This is a longing that begins in childhood and continues all through our lives, it never ends. It is a deep seated need in a woman to be desired, to be seen, to be seen as beautiful. When I told this lady how gorgeous I saw her, I saw in her that need sated for a moment. That smile transcend anything else that might have been happening in her day.
I want to challenge you as you go into your day to really look at people. To notice them. Compliment them where possible, make their day easier when you can. It made a difference to me, I'm sure it made a difference to the lady in line behind me and I know you can make a difference in someone else's day also!
Go out and dance with someone else today!
Monday, April 11, 2011
As I think about my story, my family's story... I am coming to realize that as powerful as the story of my sister's life is, it is not her story. I think that's why I've had difficulty writing it down. I've been trying to write it through her eyes, but I can't. For in reality, I do not own her story. The story I own is my own. I can only share her story as I see it through my eyes, as I have experienced it in my life. It changes the story.
As I watch TV and movies, I can see my story in so many ways. In fact, I can greatly see how my story could make a powerful story. Am I capable of writing it so that it captures attention? By the grace of God.... I can only try. If I hold back because I am afraid of not doing it justice, I accomplish nothing. So. I must step out.
Funny, that is the message God keeps giving me. Just step out and do it... Plan the concert program. Write the words to present. Work on the book. Work on the work. I can only be successful if I take action. One of my friends posted that if it's not written down, it's just a dream and then shared the SMART way of goal setting & success.
1. Specific - know exactly what your goal is
2. Measurable - know when you achieved the goal
3. Achievable - be just a little uncomfortable with it
4. Relevant - has to relate to your big picture
5. Time based - be specific about when you will reach the goal
So:
1. My goal is to share my testimony through song and word. To educate and help free women.
2. I will have achieved the goal when I have venues booked
3. I'm definitely uncomfortable with it, but very excited!
4. The big picture is to share the message God gave me. It is wasted if not shared.
5. In 1 year I want to be travelling. By March 1, 2012 or sooner.
It's written down. I'm going to make it happen. There are many things to accomplish, but this is the most important. Praise God He will give me the words and the songs and open the doors. I just need to step out and be ready for His calling!
Let's dance... it's going to be a fun road to success in His eyes!
As I watch TV and movies, I can see my story in so many ways. In fact, I can greatly see how my story could make a powerful story. Am I capable of writing it so that it captures attention? By the grace of God.... I can only try. If I hold back because I am afraid of not doing it justice, I accomplish nothing. So. I must step out.
Funny, that is the message God keeps giving me. Just step out and do it... Plan the concert program. Write the words to present. Work on the book. Work on the work. I can only be successful if I take action. One of my friends posted that if it's not written down, it's just a dream and then shared the SMART way of goal setting & success.
1. Specific - know exactly what your goal is
2. Measurable - know when you achieved the goal
3. Achievable - be just a little uncomfortable with it
4. Relevant - has to relate to your big picture
5. Time based - be specific about when you will reach the goal
So:
1. My goal is to share my testimony through song and word. To educate and help free women.
2. I will have achieved the goal when I have venues booked
3. I'm definitely uncomfortable with it, but very excited!
4. The big picture is to share the message God gave me. It is wasted if not shared.
5. In 1 year I want to be travelling. By March 1, 2012 or sooner.
It's written down. I'm going to make it happen. There are many things to accomplish, but this is the most important. Praise God He will give me the words and the songs and open the doors. I just need to step out and be ready for His calling!
Let's dance... it's going to be a fun road to success in His eyes!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Suicide...
A post on Facebook regarding the 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide (hence the referral to him later in this post) has triggered my thoughts, and I felt compelled to share them here as well.
When it comes to suicide and suicidal thoughts, I am not always the most sympathetic person. It causes SO MUCH pain for those that are left behind, I can get quite angry with someone who is suicidal, especially if they already know my story and try to threaten me with their suicidal thoughts. Of course, that's a totally different topic. But if someone shares with me that they feel suicidal, I share with them my story. First of all, that my step-dad committed suicide to escape jail. He wasn't well liked by pretty much anyone at that point and still his death inflicted a great amount of pain. We may have been angry with him, hurt by him, yet we loved him and despite the circumstances, were devastated by his choice. He was a coward. His death was brought about by cowardice and fear. The realization that someone who could cause as much pain as he did in life could also cause so much anguish in death was an eye opener because I realized I had many more people who loved me than he did and I saw how much pain it would cause should I choose that path.
Secondly, my brothers suicide was different. He was truly at the bottom of the pit. He had tied the knot so many times and clung to it and it got frayed. To me, my brother is a casualty of the spiritual war that we all battle every day. There was no one at fault in his death except Satan who choose to attack him with everything he had that fateful day. He was sick, he was alone, he was losing his dreams.... Sadly, the next day he got the job of his dreams, his girlfriend had NOT dumped him as he believed... One more day would have made a world of difference to him. Satan knew that and attacked while he was weak. Further, his father's choice of death opened that door to him. There was fear that he would be like his father, there was fear he was unloved. He knew his sisters loved him. I'll never truly know (this side of heaven) why he made the choice he did, but I'm certainly glad that God knows and that God was with him when he died.
This is not to justify or to romanticize suicide by any means. It means that there are many reasons, many paths to that choice. I realize this is not an article about suicide in general, but rather an article about Kurt Cobain. I didn't know the man. I didn't know his music. What I do know is that anytime we discuss someone who has committed suicide we must be careful to be free of judgment, free of condemnation. Kurt Cobain's life does not appear to be lived in Godly standards. He chose poorly, he got trapped by Satan. Let us never forget who the true enemy is. Let us never forget that Satan uses confusion, angst, depression and any other trap he can get his hands on to entangle us up with him. Was Kurt Cobain an example of a Christian life? I doubt it. Was his death an example to us? Yes, because we can look at the pain and the angst that influenced him to make that decision, we can look at the pain and suffering that his decision caused others.
Don't let Satan win the battle for your life by taking it yourself. Make him fight for it with everything you have, recognize that is is he who wants you dead, and turn to God for your true life!!
May you dance into freedom!
When it comes to suicide and suicidal thoughts, I am not always the most sympathetic person. It causes SO MUCH pain for those that are left behind, I can get quite angry with someone who is suicidal, especially if they already know my story and try to threaten me with their suicidal thoughts. Of course, that's a totally different topic. But if someone shares with me that they feel suicidal, I share with them my story. First of all, that my step-dad committed suicide to escape jail. He wasn't well liked by pretty much anyone at that point and still his death inflicted a great amount of pain. We may have been angry with him, hurt by him, yet we loved him and despite the circumstances, were devastated by his choice. He was a coward. His death was brought about by cowardice and fear. The realization that someone who could cause as much pain as he did in life could also cause so much anguish in death was an eye opener because I realized I had many more people who loved me than he did and I saw how much pain it would cause should I choose that path.
Secondly, my brothers suicide was different. He was truly at the bottom of the pit. He had tied the knot so many times and clung to it and it got frayed. To me, my brother is a casualty of the spiritual war that we all battle every day. There was no one at fault in his death except Satan who choose to attack him with everything he had that fateful day. He was sick, he was alone, he was losing his dreams.... Sadly, the next day he got the job of his dreams, his girlfriend had NOT dumped him as he believed... One more day would have made a world of difference to him. Satan knew that and attacked while he was weak. Further, his father's choice of death opened that door to him. There was fear that he would be like his father, there was fear he was unloved. He knew his sisters loved him. I'll never truly know (this side of heaven) why he made the choice he did, but I'm certainly glad that God knows and that God was with him when he died.
This is not to justify or to romanticize suicide by any means. It means that there are many reasons, many paths to that choice. I realize this is not an article about suicide in general, but rather an article about Kurt Cobain. I didn't know the man. I didn't know his music. What I do know is that anytime we discuss someone who has committed suicide we must be careful to be free of judgment, free of condemnation. Kurt Cobain's life does not appear to be lived in Godly standards. He chose poorly, he got trapped by Satan. Let us never forget who the true enemy is. Let us never forget that Satan uses confusion, angst, depression and any other trap he can get his hands on to entangle us up with him. Was Kurt Cobain an example of a Christian life? I doubt it. Was his death an example to us? Yes, because we can look at the pain and the angst that influenced him to make that decision, we can look at the pain and suffering that his decision caused others.
Don't let Satan win the battle for your life by taking it yourself. Make him fight for it with everything you have, recognize that is is he who wants you dead, and turn to God for your true life!!
May you dance into freedom!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Trusting?
I'm anxious today. Why? what is going on in my thoughts to lead me to anxiety? I'm at home, the children are driving me absolutely nuts, the house is messy...
Ah there it is. The house is messy. I feel out of control of myself. I feel separated and distant from my reality. I want to bury my head in the sand, climb into bed and stay there, but I can't. What I need is out of my reach.
I realized yesterday that taking care of me is taking care of my boys. It is not wrong to take time out to spend on me, to meet my needs, to make arrangements for that to happen. The problem is that I just don't know how to do it. How do I arrange for some time to do what I need to do? How do I take care of me without neglecting them? How do I do it all on my own?
I had to ask M to come watch the boys while I had a physical yesterday. It added to my stress... in fact, my blood pressure was up to 104/70. The doctor was happy, but I knew it was higher than usual. LOL I am scared of leaving him alone with the boys. I had exhausted every other resource, I had eliminated every other opportunity, every friend... no one was available yesterday. I could not take the boys into a physical and it was too late to reschedule... besides which I had waited 2 months already for the appointment. They did fine. They were safe, they were happy, they had fun. I slipped into high anxiety... which I ignored and just lived through... is that why today is hitting me hard?
Why is it hard for me to trust God? It is so hard to let go of control of my life to Him. I know that He is my Strength, my Guide, my Support, yet I also know that I need to take action, that I need to step out and DO for myself. Where do you draw the line between trusting and acting. I feel like anxiety is not acting. I feel like the anxiety is distrusting Him and His ability to protect me. Perhaps more accurately, I am afraid of the evil in the world that is allowed to slip through. I know the evil of the world. I know how much Satan can attack and injure. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more I can bear of this world's suffering.
Is that selfish? Is that distrustful of God? Is that wrong? It is not suicidal. It is a desire, an ache to have Jesus return and end this world.... and in a small way, it is a desire to have it be tomorrow, one way or another.
How much longer God? How much more can your people withstand here? How much more can I withstand? How much more can YOU stand?
I want to dance in Your presence. I want to praise you with my whole being. Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly!
Ah there it is. The house is messy. I feel out of control of myself. I feel separated and distant from my reality. I want to bury my head in the sand, climb into bed and stay there, but I can't. What I need is out of my reach.
I realized yesterday that taking care of me is taking care of my boys. It is not wrong to take time out to spend on me, to meet my needs, to make arrangements for that to happen. The problem is that I just don't know how to do it. How do I arrange for some time to do what I need to do? How do I take care of me without neglecting them? How do I do it all on my own?
I had to ask M to come watch the boys while I had a physical yesterday. It added to my stress... in fact, my blood pressure was up to 104/70. The doctor was happy, but I knew it was higher than usual. LOL I am scared of leaving him alone with the boys. I had exhausted every other resource, I had eliminated every other opportunity, every friend... no one was available yesterday. I could not take the boys into a physical and it was too late to reschedule... besides which I had waited 2 months already for the appointment. They did fine. They were safe, they were happy, they had fun. I slipped into high anxiety... which I ignored and just lived through... is that why today is hitting me hard?
Why is it hard for me to trust God? It is so hard to let go of control of my life to Him. I know that He is my Strength, my Guide, my Support, yet I also know that I need to take action, that I need to step out and DO for myself. Where do you draw the line between trusting and acting. I feel like anxiety is not acting. I feel like the anxiety is distrusting Him and His ability to protect me. Perhaps more accurately, I am afraid of the evil in the world that is allowed to slip through. I know the evil of the world. I know how much Satan can attack and injure. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more I can bear of this world's suffering.
Is that selfish? Is that distrustful of God? Is that wrong? It is not suicidal. It is a desire, an ache to have Jesus return and end this world.... and in a small way, it is a desire to have it be tomorrow, one way or another.
How much longer God? How much more can your people withstand here? How much more can I withstand? How much more can YOU stand?
I want to dance in Your presence. I want to praise you with my whole being. Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Silence
Do you know what I mean when I say that I feel like I am living in deep silence? There can be sounds surrounding me, the TV, Wii, computer games, radio, children talking, noises from the neighbours, mall sounds... it doesn't seem to matter where I am, I feel like I am cloaked in silence.
What does this mean? Why do I feel so isolated from reality, people, society, the world? Is it me? Am I uninteresting, unattractive, shut off from others? Or am I just feeling insensitive?
Or perhaps, is it just that I've forgotten how? For so many years, my conversations have been taken away from me. Have I lost the art of getting to know people? Is that it? There is no one telling me how to think anymore, and my thoughts have not yet awakened?
Perhaps it is. If so, the good news is that my thoughts are becoming my own again. The voices are changing, they have slowed so that the inside of my head is silence. Perhaps what I feel is not a bad thing, but a good thing.
Something to ponder. Maybe it is time to change the music, to fill my head with good things and just dance.
What does this mean? Why do I feel so isolated from reality, people, society, the world? Is it me? Am I uninteresting, unattractive, shut off from others? Or am I just feeling insensitive?
Or perhaps, is it just that I've forgotten how? For so many years, my conversations have been taken away from me. Have I lost the art of getting to know people? Is that it? There is no one telling me how to think anymore, and my thoughts have not yet awakened?
Perhaps it is. If so, the good news is that my thoughts are becoming my own again. The voices are changing, they have slowed so that the inside of my head is silence. Perhaps what I feel is not a bad thing, but a good thing.
Something to ponder. Maybe it is time to change the music, to fill my head with good things and just dance.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I am learning to rely fully on God. He truly is my strength... He is the one who is there, no matter what time, or what place I'm in. No matter what I'm feeling - whether I can put it into words or not. He is likely the only one who can handle my full weaknesses and sustain me through it.
My devotional today reminded me that I have no strength of my own. I am helpless before the trials and difficulties for the day. It was a good reminder. I delayed reading the devotional until this afternoon and I was feeling distinctly helpless by the time I remembered to read it. The thought I had immediately afterwards is that sometimes when I want to rely on His strength, I am tempted to do nothing, to rest and to just be. Then I realized... sometimes that is exactly what He wants me to do! Sometimes that is how He strengthens me. To take a break from the craziness and be still to know He is God and that He is in charge. Once I have done that, I am better able to take on the challenges of the day.
It's a hard walk. When you are feeling down, lonely, discouraged, frustrated and overwhelmed it is easy to feel helpless, but much more difficult to let someone else take the burden of those needs and turn them into strengths. Am I going to "doggedly go it alone"? Or am I ready to let Him take over?
It's going to be a work in progress, but I'm ready for Him to take over, day to day, minute by minute because, honestly, I'm failing at the going it alone part. I'm doggedly falling deeper into a pit, my digging is only causing the sides of the pit to crumble so all I'm doing is making the pit bigger. He has the strength to lift me out and set my feet on solid ground, so... I'm going to let him do that. And, while I'm waiting, I'm going to have a nice rest at the bottom of this pit, regaining my strength and being thankful for the time He's given me to do just that.
Maybe I'll do some dancing while I'm down here. :)
Hugs to you all!
My devotional today reminded me that I have no strength of my own. I am helpless before the trials and difficulties for the day. It was a good reminder. I delayed reading the devotional until this afternoon and I was feeling distinctly helpless by the time I remembered to read it. The thought I had immediately afterwards is that sometimes when I want to rely on His strength, I am tempted to do nothing, to rest and to just be. Then I realized... sometimes that is exactly what He wants me to do! Sometimes that is how He strengthens me. To take a break from the craziness and be still to know He is God and that He is in charge. Once I have done that, I am better able to take on the challenges of the day.
It's a hard walk. When you are feeling down, lonely, discouraged, frustrated and overwhelmed it is easy to feel helpless, but much more difficult to let someone else take the burden of those needs and turn them into strengths. Am I going to "doggedly go it alone"? Or am I ready to let Him take over?
It's going to be a work in progress, but I'm ready for Him to take over, day to day, minute by minute because, honestly, I'm failing at the going it alone part. I'm doggedly falling deeper into a pit, my digging is only causing the sides of the pit to crumble so all I'm doing is making the pit bigger. He has the strength to lift me out and set my feet on solid ground, so... I'm going to let him do that. And, while I'm waiting, I'm going to have a nice rest at the bottom of this pit, regaining my strength and being thankful for the time He's given me to do just that.
Maybe I'll do some dancing while I'm down here. :)
Hugs to you all!
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