I am Okay

I've been feeling so tired lately that I feel as if it is almost more than I can do to put one step in front of the other. It made me feel that life was too much to accomplish, that all the things I needed to do were just overwhelming. If I was near a bed, I laid down, my eyes desiring to close whenever I stopped moving or didn't have to pay attention to the next three steps. Feeling like I was constantly moving up hill, putting one dragging foot in front of the other, not wanting to look up to see how much farther I had to go, then suddenly realizing I had made it to the top. I can do this!

So, I made a decision recently and booked an appointment with the doctor. It makes me want to laugh because that simple step assured me that I was not going out of my mind or imagining what ails me. See, so many people assume that because you are going through a rough time in life, you must be depressed and all physical ailments come from that. The truth is, despite whether or not I am depressed or any other mental anguish, I can still get sick. It doesn't have to follow that one leads to the other if I am taking care of myself. Exhaustion is not solely a sign of depression, it's actually a sign of illness too.

So, I took my thoroughly exhausted self to the doctor and discovered already that my iron levels are low. No wonder I'm tired!! I border anemia generally, so to find out it is low does not surprise me greatly and I always get tired when it's low... Why didn't I figure it out? Doesn't matter, I'm not going to beat myself up over it!

The other thing I realized? I am okay. My mental health is not worsening, it's improving! I am not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I'm just me. I am making good decisions, I think clearly and I am taking care of life as far as possible. Despite my exhaustion I am even keeping on top of most things. I do need to learn to ask for help, and to accept myself for who I am. I'm going to stop second guessing where God has called me. I'm going to stop doubting my ability to make wise decisions. I am going to start trusting myself.

I can dance. Some days it may just be a slow weave through the day and others it will be a full out jump around, spin and twist. Both are okay! :)

Phew!

Dancing Again!

God reaches us in the most unusual places, in the most expected scenes, in the strangest occurrences.

We just passed a fabulous, delightful five days at Pine Lake Christian Camp with Rainbows Camp. Rainbows is a program I took the boys to this past spring to help our family heal from all the changes happening in our lives. It was a great program, I plan to go back and do some of the different courses offered to adults and put the boys through the Rainbow Program again (at Bow Valley Christian Church). Only families who go through the Rainbows course can attend Rainbows Camp, so we signed ourselves up, not knowing what we were getting in for, it sounded like a fun week, and the ability to reconnect with those in our groups.

Honestly, I didn't want to go. I wanted to hide myself. I felt anxiety rising in me as we drove out there on Friday, and getting lost didn't help matters!! But, we got there and got registered & fed, settled into the cabin and started in with activities. It's a peaceful setting, right on the lake, well-cared for grounds, beautiful cabin and room mates that I knew! That's a great start! With A's allergy list, we were in the cabin with a kitchen so I could make meals he could eat, but all I needed to do was supplement for him so I used the fridge and not much else there, and one meal on the stove. That was delightful!!! There was so little for me to focus on by way of care taking, daytime planning, it was really nice! Very relaxing and refreshing!!

Sabbath we began our classes. I met some very nice people and made new friends but by the time afternoon came along, I wanted to SLEEP!! A, however, wanted the beach and, since he's 4, I had to be with him. Another lady came and offered to watch him so I could have my alone time and that set the stage for the rest of the week. It also brought me to tears because I Needed that alone time! (and the nap!!) I slept for the full hour and a half, waking only when the bell rang to remind parents to get their kids. What a treat for me.

Every day we had group sessions, family time, free time, separate parent/child recreation & rest time. It was so well planned to give the parents a break, to incorporate play time and just to allow us to enjoy being who we are without the everyday stresses of life.

I learned archery with my boys, we went on a nature walk together, we played together, I got to talk with other single parents sharing ideas, joys and struggles, we did the slippery slide - yes even me!!! Although... the concussion wasn't too much fun... LOL I had a blast anyway and will do it again! (C told me I can't however!) The concussion gave me a forced day of rest that I would have otherwise played away. We played at the beach, we sang at the camp fire, we shared our talents at the talent show, watched a movie together, slept in past 8 most mornings (unheard of for my boys!)

I came away refreshed, rejuvenated, energized! Am I ready to tackle the world? Maybe. LOL I could have used another week there. Next year, I'll plan for two weeks!!

Oh, and we danced!!! :) boy did we dance!!! I even got candy for some of my moves. :D

Mountains & Baseball

Who knew that the mountains and baseball would have anything in common!? This weekend I experienced spiritual healing and soul refreshing from both.

See, I've been feeling very anxious, stressed, overwhelmed lately. I've been on edge, irritable, cranky and just not myself. After a day of God's powerful, miraculous nature in the mountains, I was finally beginning to feel more like myself. We ended up at Elbow Falls by taking a wrong turn, but such a beautiful place that shows God's power and majesty in action!! Then we finally made our way to Canmore where we drove up to Spray Lakes and were directed to a hiking trail that took us up a mountain to a beautiful waterfall. The boys hiked the whole 1.5 hours to the top, then we played in the snow and took photos of ourselves by the water. It felt like we were on top of the world. I felt almost normal coming back down the mountain, racing with Andrew and Charlie, singing at the top of our lungs. When down, I taught the boys how to fish, they're pretty good at it! LOL They were disappointed to not catch anything, but I promised them we'd go again.

Today, we took in a baseball game that we won tickets to from Shine 88.9 FM (Calgary). What a delightful, relaxing way to spend the day, especially with all of us being tired still from yesterday. I thoroughly enjoyed it and just felt myself relaxing, my soul becoming refreshed and rejuvenated.

I'm finding myself returning to normal. It's not going to be simple or easy. But I will get there. I was dancing again today.

I feel like I'm drowning.

There is no other way to put it lately. I'm drowning in all the things I am failing at. I'm not failing at everything, and I'm not really failing at the things I feel like I'm failing in (does that make sense?) but I feel like I'm drowning, like everything I touch or grab a hold of to keep me above water just sinks with me. I feel overwhelmed, and the undercurrents are dragging me downstream towards a great big waterfall that I will never even reach the bottom of, let alone be able to survive it.

God is sustaining me. I know that. I'm not truly drowning, in fact, I'm probably even making progress upstream, or might even have my head on dry ground and only my body is lying in the water trying to float away with me.

God is teaching me about perspective.  I wish He'd just rescue me, pick me up, brush me off, kiss my boo boos and make everything ok. I guess even if that were possible, if my leg is broken, it has to heal. If my spirit is broken, same thing. Healing takes time and it's painful. He has the power to heal me, but what if there is a lesson I or someone else needs to learn? Miracles happen daily, but not to everyone. He knows what's best for me.

I'm just tired. I don't feel good. I'm worn out, stressed, anxious, depressed, worried, overwhelmed and lacking in resources to do what needs to be done let alone what I want to do.

Thank you God for my good friends. The ones who cry with me, dance with me, share with me and love me no matter what. Thank you for sustaining me. Give me patience today to run a good race, to be patient, loving and kind. Help me to dance again, no matter what!

Fear

I have realized that, even as I pray for God to reveal to me how He feels about me, I am afraid of what He will show me. I'm afraid that even God cannot love me, that somehow, deep at the core of me is someone too wounded, too filthy, too dark to be touchable by Light.

Where does this fear come from? How is it that I am wracked with anxiety about who I am at my core? Why is it so hard for me to believe that I am worthy, lovable, valuable? I daily struggle with an internal belief that no matter what I do, it will not be enough. I am not enough. I am not sufficient.

I should love my life. In my head, I do love my life. I am mom to two delightful boys whom I home school, I work from home for an AMAZING company, I am taking charge of my life and ending the cycle of abuse as much as possible in our home. It terrifies me.

I've never been terrorized by anxiety in the past. I've made my decisions, I've lived my life. Yet now, when it all depends on me making the right choices, I feel paralyzed by fear that I am making the wrong ones. I guess that is the difference.... In the past my choices affected only me. Before I left my ex, my choices weren't really mine to make, they were always made based on his desires and wishes. Now, if I make the wrong choice, it is not just me who suffers, it is also my children. I do not want to be the cause of their suffering, yet I know that it is inevitable that I will, ultimately, be the source of some of their suffering because I am not perfect.

There are big decisions to make. Do I homeschool or not? If I don't homeschool, where do they go to school? How can I afford to put them in school? If I put Andrew in Kindergarten, do I get a job outside the home or do I focus on my at-home business the days he is in school? Will I be able to focus on work at all? If he's only in 2 days a week, is it even possible to get a job? How do I take steps to take care of myself?

Everyone advises me to take care of myself, to spend time on me.... How do I do that? How do I set my children aside for a time every day to have "me time"?

What do I do about their father? He claims to want to be a part of their lives, yet he rarely calls them, he even more infrequently makes arrangements to see them. He seems content with a 1x / week visit, yet complains regularly that he doesn't see or talk to them enough. I've been making the occasional arrangement for him to see the boys, but that backfires at me as he seems to be intent on trying to woo me or court me or something. It's not so much about the boys as it is about having me be friendly and loving towards him. I don't have any desire to step back into that relationship. Fortunately, for me, his abusive words are never gone for long, but come to light quickly and persistently, even if in subtle ways, reminding me why we are no longer together.

It hurts still. It's scary to face life alone, and honestly, I don't want to face life alone. I never envisioned my life turning out this way, never envisioned myself being a single parent, raising my boys without the support and strength of their father. They need a good man in their lives. I need a good man in my life. What if that just isn't in my future? What if I am destined to be alone and unloved because I choose to not be abused any further? Alone is better than abused, of that I am certain, it's just hard to let go of my dreams.

Does God have only good plans for me? How do I walk into His plans without fear?

How much more O God? How much more is there to bear? I feel bowed under the weight of my life, of my children's lives.... There is a song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West that plays on the radio regularly and I feel it deep into my core. (Lyrics here)

I'm dancing into this song. I'm trusting Your strength because mine is not sufficient. Amen.

Speaking to my heart

Today, as I left a work event, I must admit that I was feeling discouraged. Wondering if I was truly following God's plan or if I was just wasting my time doing something not of His leading.

The truth is that I felt His leading when I started my business. I felt His leading as I began building my business and I have seen His hand at work in all I do. I'm not seeing the results I want to see.... What if He has a different view of the results?

As I was driving and praying, I passed a church sign that read "A mighty oak was once a tiny nut that stood its ground" and as I read it, I tuned into the song on the radio which was "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair. As I started to really hear the song, they sang the words "Your life has purpose" and "Can't you see you are something beautiful". "You are someone worth dying for".

I love how God speaks to us in the every day things. In the things we do, in the music we listen to, in the places we drive. Why was I driving down that road? I could have picked a myriad of paths to my destination, but I choose the long way. God lead me down the long way. That has implications far reaching as well. My life path has taken the long way around. God's plan for my heart was not for it to be full of arrows, but that it be whole, that it be healthy and complete. The good news is that if I surrender it wholly to Him, He will repair it. He will make it like new again.

Today, I again gave Him my broken, crushed, shattered, filthy, trampled on heart. He wants it. He desires it so He can renew it and give it back to me whole, healthy. I can trust Him to protect it, I can be vulnerable with Him safely. He is an awesome God!!!

Will you dance into freedom with me?

I will never leave you nor forsake you

As I sat in church today, someone petitioned God to be with one of our youth who was baptized today. It got me wondering...

Why do we pray like we don't really believe the promise God has given us? Deuteronomy 31:6 promises that God will go before us, that He will never leave me or forsake me. Yet, the prayer is Please God, don't leave me. This promise was given to ALL. Not to a select few, but to everyone!

My prayer today is not that God will be with you. That is as sure as the sun rising tomorrow. Whether there are clouds in the way, or an eclipse or a storm so severe that it darkens the sky, I know that the sun will be there. It is the same with Christ! It doesn't matter the storms, clouds or moon that block our view of Christ, I know that He is there beside me. Leading the way, carrying me over the roughest patches. ALWAYS with me.

My prayer is that you will recognize God's light. That you will remember it is there despite the things that block it from our view. My prayer is that I will hold onto the knowledge that Christ is beside me always. My prayer is that we, you and I, will always follow God's voice and plan for our lives. That we will forever walk in the Word and Testimony of Jesus.

See, when we hear God calling us, we step out into faith. I did that when I left M. I KNOW that I obeyed God's will for me. He made it very clear, but then I allowed the comments, opinions and ideas of others to cause me to doubt whether I was truly following God's will. I allowed the words of others to supersede the Will and Words of God in my heart. Thus I became riddled with fear and anxiety.

I praise God that He has continued to walk with me. He has not left me, forsaken me or abandoned me during my moments of doubt and fear, instead He continued to remind me of His will, to encourage me to stand up and keep moving forward on His path. I praise God that during the recent Alberta Women's Retreat, He opened my eyes to what I had chosen to do. To what the enemy had deceived me into doing. No longer will I cower in fear. No longer will I allow the voices of others to cover up the Word of God in my life.

How about you? Do you recognize the presence of God in your life even when the clouds and eclipses block the light?

I am realizing and remembering that I have walked the right path, the path God has called me to. I will keep dancing down it, safe in the presence and arms of God!