Rescue

I have been dreaming lately. I mean actual night dreams this time... I have never done this. Even as a young girl, I thought it strange that I never dreamed.... my friends, siblings, parents, classmates, would all talk about the dreams they had the night before and I always had a blank slate. I slept pretty soundly, but there was just blackness, no dreaming. It's a new feeling for me... sometimes I wake feeling unrested because so much had happened while I was sleeping!

A recurring theme through my dreams has been that of needing to be rescued. For so long, I have (day)dreamed (since childhood) of having the knight ride in to rescue me, or ANYONE to ride in and rescue me from all that was going on... My dad was once the hero in my (day) dreams, then as I got older it would be a boyfriend/husband, then police, courts, TV heroes.... There has never been a hero. Even now, I must confess, that I keep waiting for the courts to rescue me, for someone to see the truth and step up to say "You don't have to fight this battle alone, I will fight it with you".

I've come to the realization that I must stand alone. That there is not going to be someone to rescue me. I have prayed for God to rescue me and still felt alone, still felt like I would have to rescue myself. My dreams have portrayed this to me... My own fears coming forth and bubbling over. In one dream, I dreamed I was drowning... then I dove in and saved myself. Now you know it was a night-dream... The second me could breath underwater while the first me couldn't. Maybe it was a sign that I'm getting stronger, that I'm healing, that I need rescuing less.... But when I came up out of the water, there was a crowd of people around and none of them had even noticed I was in trouble.

Then came an experience. I love that God speaks to us through experiences. (I know that He also uses dreams, but for me an experience speaks louder!)

I was at Rainbows (Singles) Family Camp and my youngest wanted a canoe ride. All the other parents and adults being busy with their families and activities, I took him out on my own. I'm a pretty strong canoe-er and thought nothing of it... I also didn't intend to go very far. He was a little scared of the rocking of the canoe, so I taught him how and where to sit, had him turn around and face me because when you see someone you trust it's easier! A motor boat came along just as I planned to turn around and I decided to wait until the waves died down before returning to shore.... except I didn't plan on the wind that day or realize how far we had paddled.... When I tried to turn the canoe, the wind pushed it right back. When I paddled toward shore, the wind held us still. When I paused to rest, the wind and waves pushed us farther away.

With my son watching me, I couldn't show my anxiety, I couldn't let him know how scared I was becoming! I knew I was rapidly running out of energy and I couldn't remember how to get the life guards attention! I forgot that in the boat were the tools we needed to be rescued. He knew we were having trouble getting back to shore... and, bless his little rule-keeping heart, he was worried we were getting out of the life guards sight.

I looked at him and I prayed out loud, asking Jesus to come pick up a paddle and row with me. I gave up trying to turn the canoe and just paddled backwards. As we gained ground, as we came closer and closer to camp, my little one said "I guess that's why we needed to have two paddles in the canoe, hunh Mom". He knew Jesus was paddling on the other end of the canoe. He knew we had just been rescued by THE Rescuer.

I was so relieved to be back at shore, I was so grateful to have been able to return safely (and without embarrassment, I might add) that I missed the fact that I had just been Rescued.

I know my Rescuer and His name is Jesus. He hasn't left me, He knows the truth, He will continue to protect me, He will continue to carry me through.

Boundaries

I struggle with setting boundaries. I'm learning, but it is difficult for me to stay strong in this area. As I sit here this morning, the thought struck me that I don't feel necessary, I don't feel valuable, unless I am helping someone. So, I set aside my needs, compromise my boundaries in order to be helpful to others because it is only in helping others that I find value in myself.

I don't find value in taking care of me. I have work to do in this area, but since we cannot change what we do not acknowledge, I'm going to see this realization as a good thing, as a step in the right direction.

This happened again at the hospital Friday night... My son needed stitches in his knee. I let his dad know what was happening and he rushed over to the hospital to see the boys. I let the nurses know he only had supervised visits and I needed their help because I don't want to be alone with him and the boys. The came up with an acceptable solution, and then later came and asked me to change it to make things simpler for them. What do you say when the nurses tell you they can't honour their word? How do you demand that their suddenly busy ER still help you keep your boundaries. I conceded and they sent him down to stay with us, leaving us alone with him. They said they would have him leave again when the doctor came, but they didn't. I had to be the one to ask him to step out, I had to reset the boundary to make my son's experience easier to get through.

I felt ignored, like my children's needs, my needs were unimportant in light of their needs. I'm still not sure how I could have done things differently in that situation. Sometimes you have to bend, to break a rule for someone else. Sometimes it's more dangerous than it seems. With all the domestic violence posters they have in the hospital, I felt like they should have been more aware of the potential risks.

Education for domestic violence is key. I'm glad God has called me to work in that area. So often we see normal when we should see abuse.

I'm getting better at the boundary setting and keeping. It's a work in progress, but isn't the best dance one that is always improving?

Heart of the Matter

Lately the tears are striking at every opportune moment... and some inopportune moments. I lay down to sleep, close my eyes and start crying. I will be washing dishes and start crying. A friend says something (even something nice) and.... I start crying. Someone does something nice for me and, guess what... I start crying.

God and I had a pretty intense conversation all day yesterday that culminated in a Facebook friend phoning me with a message from him. She spoke 2 sentences and... yep... I started crying - bawling actually, I even missed part of the message I was crying so hard. I realize they are healthy, healing tears, but it can get quite annoying... and tiring. As I lay in my bed (crying) last night, I was complaining to God about it and it was almost as if He said "It's okay. I'm catching your tears in My bottle. They are not wasted or unseen."

It's been a week of realizing how I feel about myself, what my fears for my future are, and new memories of the past. It was a day of God loving me, of telling me that how I feel about myself is not how He feels about me. It was a day of Him wanting to change my perception... and me fighting the process. Are you SURE? Is it even possible for You to love me like that? To want good for me?

Funny how we question God. Funny how it's so easy to accept the lies that we are unlovable or valueless. Funny how it's hard to believe those might be lies. What do I do, how does it change who I am to accept that God's love is sufficient for me? More than that, that God's love is MEANT for me? Why am I afraid that I will become conceited and arrogant if I accept God's view of me?

Therein lies the heart of the matter. I have been taught that feeling good about oneself is wrong, prideful... inherently evil. Yet, if God is giving the message, how can it be evil or wrong? He seeks a humble heart, one that is not puffed up with itself. Is doubting my worth, is holding onto MY view of me being puffed up with myself? Is the very act of doubting the value and love He holds for me an expression of pride and conceit? Is it possible that the "humbleness" that we equate with low self-esteem is actually the exact opposite?

I need to STOP living in my fear!

I realized this evening that I am living in my fear. There have been things happening in my life lately that I have no control over... that's normal, typical and just generally true of all of us. There are some things in life that we just plain have no control over. I'm okay with that.... until it starts to hurt my boys and threatens me.

I won't go into full details, but suffice to say that my ex has been playing some nasty tricks, accusing me of things and even going so far as to try to take the boys away from me. I'm afraid that one of these days he's going to come up with something, and somebody is going to believe him enough. As a result, I'm desperately trying to be perfect. I'm desperately trying to do nothing wrong, to appear as if my world is completely under my control.

HA!!

My world feels so far out of my control... and I know that every time I try to take control of my world, I fall apart. I fail. I am completely incapable of being in control of my world. I much prefer to let God be in control of my world. Life runs so much smoother when I just let Him guide it.

I know this fear will pass, and identifying it will help it pass that much sooner. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of Power and a strong mind. So, I'm claiming that promise! I refuse to live in fear.

I have noticed that when I live in fear, I often act in anger. I become more concerned with how others see me than I am with reality. I worry about being condemned, about being criticized, about being labelled ... you get the idea. When I lean and focus on God, I can remember that I don't have to be perfect. God loves me just the way I am. He's not condemning me... Jesus said "I came not into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Me might be saved." His goal, His purpose, His mission is to save me - even from myself. From the lies that have been spoken, that are being spoken and that will be spoken... about me and to me... from other people and from Satan.

Yep. There are things I need to work on... things that I can do better at... but being in control. I am returning that responsibility to God... He's much better at it than I am anyway!

Tonight... I'll dance knowing that He's in the lead... AND He's choosing the music!

Strength

People tell me I am a strong person. I have heard it from a number of sources, from people who know me well, some who know me a little and others who hardly know me at all.

I don't feel like a strong person. Sometimes I give in to the urge to hide from the world, to bury myself in my life and forget about others. Sometimes the energy it takes to reach out to someone, to speak honestly about how I am doing is too much for me. Sometimes the energy to do more than the absolute necessities is more than I can do.

I'm trying to allow myself to rest when I need to, be at peace when I need to and let things slide a bit when I need to, but honestly, it makes me feel like an absolute failure. I feel weak. I feel as if I am not enough, like it wouldn't matter if I had all the strength in the world, it's not enough. There is so much that feels overwhelming... emotions, appointments, children, eating, school, housecleaning, and that's just the stuff I'm forcing into my schedule, not even the things I want in my schedule or dream about for the future. Where do I fit work in? I want to start speaking, I want to go back to school someday, I want to make sure my children are healthy and happy. I need to take care of me and make time for friends.

I don't feel strong. Maybe strength is not in what I cannot accomplish, but rather in what I can. Maybe strength is in the deciding each day that I will move on, that I will continue to work hard, that I will not succumb to those who would see me fall. Maybe strength means just staying alive.

I think that strength has a different definition for so everyone. Let's face it, we are all our own worst critics and I am no different. I am hard on myself. I expect more from me than I would ever expect from someone else. I guess that's the way it is. I've always looked at life from the perspective of "this is my life. I'm just living it" and not really stepped back to look at it the way someone else might look at it. Strangely, I fear that if I take that step back, I will still not see things the way others do. I think I am hiding myself from them enough that they can't see the real me, the way I really live, and if they saw that... they would agree with me about my weakness.

I have weaknesses. I am human. Maybe it's just okay for me to not be strong in every area of life, even though I have striven to do just that. In a dance, there are usually two partners and they take turns supporting each other. I all too frequently feel alone in the dance of life and yet I know that God is leading me... I need to trust that when I feel weak, His strength will come through and hold me up so I don't fall.

I need to learn to be comfortable with my weakness... To just fall back and know HE will be there to catch me and not let me hit the ground.

The Lack of Contentment

I don't want to be where I am. That's not even a figure of speech, there are so many places that I'd rather be. First, Spokane, or BC, even Manitoba, or anywhere. I don't feel like I belong here. I want to be with my friends, with the people who love me and accept me and need me.

I don't even want to be here emotionally. I want to jump ahead to healthy, skip the healing and go straight to the end.

I know it doesn't work that way. just as much as I know that I live here, I live in this place and it's home for now. In so many ways I am where I am and there will be no where else until I decide to move on. Some things may be out of my control, dependent on other people's choices and actions but most of the time where I am is up to me. When we're talking emotions, it's just a path we have to take.

It isn't all bad either. Some days I'm so happy with my life and with where and who I am that it's a touch scary! There's a conundrum for you!

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I trip over myself ... or someone else, God is leading this dance and He'll always pick  me up so we can keep dancing. The other good news is that sometimes, when I fall, it hurts so much I don't want to move for a few minutes. He'll sit down with me and wait til I'm ready to dance again... and then He'll carry the weight to keep me from reinjury and excess pain.

Gotta love a God like that! I do. I hope you join me on the journey with Him.... He never lets us down or leaves us alone.

Remembering Sometimes Hurts

Tonight is a night of memory. Sometimes that isn't a good thing, or doesn't feel like a good thing. Sometimes I'd rather have the memories stay at bay and just let me sleep, sometimes I'd just like the memories go away completely.

The anniversary of my brother's death is coming up. It makes me remember what was happening all those years ago. The day he went missing I was in Banff, enjoying a band festival. When my family found out he was dead, a week later, I was out having dinner with friends, it was the first time I'd been away from a phone for a week. It felt wrong, it still feels wrong that while his life was ending, mine was celebrating.

Ironically, it's not my brother's death, however, that weighs most heavy on my mind tonight. Tonight I was reminded how valuable sister's are, how much that relationship is treasured and sought. How close sister's can be to us, no one else can be a friend like a sister.

You know, I had to look up the date of her death. I can never remember what day it was... It just was. I still don't really know what date is was that morning.. I think it was the 23rd of December, but it might have been the 22nd, it depends on if they put the time of death before or after midnight. I was dancing in the kitchen with my almost 2 year old son to "Six White Boomers". We were getting ready for Christmas and it was a happy day. The sun was shining and the snow was glistening when a police officer knocked on the door. I've never had a reason to fear the police. I've always looked up to them and honoured them so when they knocked on my door, I didn't even think about it until they asked if one of them could take my son to the other room and I saw the looks on their faces. I knew then I wasn't going to like what they had to say but I was totally unprepared for the news.

My parents were out of town and I honestly thought I was going to hear that they had had an accident. You're supposed to lose parents. No one wants to, no one is ever truly prepared for it, but it's the natural course of life. You aren't supposed to lose siblings.

So many thoughts ran through my head. A selfish one "I'm the only one left", a determined one "I want to bring my nephews home", a horrified one "How can this be true? How can it have happened?", and a controlled one "Mom's not here, I have to find Mom. There's so many people to call, so much to do".

I don't know how to recover from this. Even after all these years, I don't know how to live without my siblings. I still want to run to them, to talk, to be their sister.

Tonight, I close my eyes and I see those policemen at my door. I now fear their presence... not because they'll hurt me, or punish me, but that they'll be the bearer of bad news. That they'll be coming to tell me someone else I love has gone. Tonight I'm reliving the morning after my sister died. It hurts. Seven and a half years later, the pain is just as strong, the missing her is still so intense only now there's nothing to distract me from the moment, the emotion. There's no one to find, no one to care for, no one to need me in this moment. There's also no one here to catch me as I fall.

Except my Savior, my Jesus. He's gently leading me. He knows tears heal, that I need to face these things and He gently leads me in the dance... It's painful though. I don't want to be found. I don't want to be found. I don't want to feel this pain, this intensity that I can no longer escape from.

God hold me up. Carry me through. Heal my heart and make me new. How do I go on? How do I embrace the pain of losing my friends, my loved ones, my siblings? I've survived by shutting down... How do I survive the pain of restarting? Can I?

I want to dance the dance of joy. I want to be alive, I'm just afraid of the path to get there.