I have realized that, even as I pray for God to reveal to me how He feels about me, I am afraid of what He will show me. I'm afraid that even God cannot love me, that somehow, deep at the core of me is someone too wounded, too filthy, too dark to be touchable by Light.
Where does this fear come from? How is it that I am wracked with anxiety about who I am at my core? Why is it so hard for me to believe that I am worthy, lovable, valuable? I daily struggle with an internal belief that no matter what I do, it will not be enough. I am not enough. I am not sufficient.
I should love my life. In my head, I do love my life. I am mom to two delightful boys whom I home school, I work from home for an AMAZING company, I am taking charge of my life and ending the cycle of abuse as much as possible in our home. It terrifies me.
I've never been terrorized by anxiety in the past. I've made my decisions, I've lived my life. Yet now, when it all depends on me making the right choices, I feel paralyzed by fear that I am making the wrong ones. I guess that is the difference.... In the past my choices affected only me. Before I left my ex, my choices weren't really mine to make, they were always made based on his desires and wishes. Now, if I make the wrong choice, it is not just me who suffers, it is also my children. I do not want to be the cause of their suffering, yet I know that it is inevitable that I will, ultimately, be the source of some of their suffering because I am not perfect.
There are big decisions to make. Do I homeschool or not? If I don't homeschool, where do they go to school? How can I afford to put them in school? If I put Andrew in Kindergarten, do I get a job outside the home or do I focus on my at-home business the days he is in school? Will I be able to focus on work at all? If he's only in 2 days a week, is it even possible to get a job? How do I take steps to take care of myself?
Everyone advises me to take care of myself, to spend time on me.... How do I do that? How do I set my children aside for a time every day to have "me time"?
What do I do about their father? He claims to want to be a part of their lives, yet he rarely calls them, he even more infrequently makes arrangements to see them. He seems content with a 1x / week visit, yet complains regularly that he doesn't see or talk to them enough. I've been making the occasional arrangement for him to see the boys, but that backfires at me as he seems to be intent on trying to woo me or court me or something. It's not so much about the boys as it is about having me be friendly and loving towards him. I don't have any desire to step back into that relationship. Fortunately, for me, his abusive words are never gone for long, but come to light quickly and persistently, even if in subtle ways, reminding me why we are no longer together.
It hurts still. It's scary to face life alone, and honestly, I don't want to face life alone. I never envisioned my life turning out this way, never envisioned myself being a single parent, raising my boys without the support and strength of their father. They need a good man in their lives. I need a good man in my life. What if that just isn't in my future? What if I am destined to be alone and unloved because I choose to not be abused any further? Alone is better than abused, of that I am certain, it's just hard to let go of my dreams.
Does God have only good plans for me? How do I walk into His plans without fear?
How much more O God? How much more is there to bear? I feel bowed under the weight of my life, of my children's lives.... There is a song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West that plays on the radio regularly and I feel it deep into my core. (Lyrics here)
I'm dancing into this song. I'm trusting Your strength because mine is not sufficient. Amen.