So many thoughts running through my brain these days. Sometimes it's too much for me to sort through and sift... Tonight I thought I'd write them out here, because... well, because I need to and maybe someone out there needs these words too.
There are times when I wonder if I left my marraige too soon, if I gave up too quickly. Then I look back and read the words I've written before, here and in my journals, and I realize that I didn't. I gave it everything I had and then some.
Something a counselor told me once was that I have the right to divorce my husband simply because I want to, I don't need a reason. I have reasons, but that wasn't her point. Her point was that it is my life to live and I don't need the approval of anyone else for the decisions I make.
I tend to be a perfectionist. I'm recognizing this more and more about myself. More importantly, I'm recognizing that this is not a good thing about me! I am human, I need to accept myself with all my flaws, failings, mistakes and humanness. I don't need to do it all "just right".
Someone else asked me recently who put this on me? Who asked me to be perfect, who told me I had to do it all "just right", who ordered me to climb every mountain.... I'd never been asked that before. I'd never thought of it before. It's me.
It's me who had to have the perfect marriage, who had to be the perfect wife.
It's me who has to be the perfect mother, who beats herself up when I falter (okay, there are also plenty of other people out there waiting to jump on me if I make a mistake, but if I'm okay, their opinion will matter much less!)
It's me who has to have the perfect documents sent to print, no errors allowed.
It's me who has to be the perfect friend.
It's me who has to sing perfectly every time
It's me who has to look perfect.
To be honest, the only thing I'm perfect at is failing. I'm not perfect at anything. I am perfectly imperfect. It's time I learned to be okay with that. No one else expects it of me, why do I keep expecting it of myself?
Where did this need for perfection come from? Satan sure loves to take something good and twist it into something evil. Christians are quick to tell you we are expected to become perfect, as Christ was perfect. That we are to live sinless... I think we need to revisit the definition of perfect. My BFF tells me perfection is constant communication with Jesus and if we have that, our mistakes are simply... mistakes, not sins.
So, I declare today:
I am not perfect.
Furthermore. I do not need to be perfect.
I will stop expecting perfection of myself.
I will slip and I will fall in this dance of life, but as long as I keep getting up and trying again... that's okay.