Faith as a Child

When I was a child, I had faith as a child....

God tells us in Deuteronomy 7:18 to "Do not be afraid of them; Remember well what the Lord your God did..." I've been remembering lately. I had the privilege of attending Captivating Advanced (with Ransomed Heart Ministries) this past October and while there God reminded me of how He's been with me all my life, how He's taken care of me. Which has brought me do doing a lot of thinking about my childhood. My retrospect has been heightened by the recent death of my father, helping my children live theirs and praying they find God in the midst of their journey, as I did.

I see the faith I had as a child. I was fearless. I knew God was at my side, I did not doubt it, it was as real to me as the walls of my house. His angels were at my side and that was sufficient for me. I didn't know what anxiety was, and there was plenty to be anxious about in my childhood.

How do we lose that as we age? The older I get, the more fears I have, the more worries I cling to, the more I see the dangers that are spread along the path ahead of me. How do I regain the faith of my youth? How to I hold on to the certainty that Christ is my rock and my strength. 

How do I balance Jesus words "Unless you come to me as a little child, you cannot see the kingdom of heaven" with the words of Paul "When I was a child, I spake as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things". 

I need to return to the "childish" faith of my youth. That sure confidence that God would take care of me, no matter what was happening around me. Call it a blind faith if you will, but it was sustained by evidence time and time again. To return to it, I need to Remember, so remember I shall. 

You'll find me in memory lane this year - pulling out the dusty memories of how God has walked with me, protected me and saved me for all of my life.

Oh, and if you need your heart refreshed in the Spirit, I absolutely recommend you check out the Retreats offered by Ransomed Heart. God spoke to my heart in a blatantly clear way, refreshing my soul and bringing me home ready to face the world again.

Rescuing... continued

After my blog last night I ran into a few difficulties...


1. I couldn't change my thoughts to something else;
2. Despite being exhausted and going to bed early, it was after 2 am before I finally slept; and
3. I had a horrible nightmare about not being able to rescue my best friend... I won't go into details.


Where did this leave me this morning (besides reeling a little from the too-realistic images of the dream)?


It left me realizing that my desire for rescue in my life is for me to be able to rescue the people I love from the difficulties and traumas in their lives. I realize that I feel responsible for the bad things that have happened to those I love. I have experienced this realization before, when I felt I should have prevented my children from getting hurt, feeling like I should have been there for them, protected them, seen the dangers. I am beginning to realize that this extends to others as well.


People like my sister. I feel like I should have been able to save her, both as a child and as an adult. Intellectually, I am aware that there is nothing I could have done, I am in no way responsible for the way her life unfolded; that there is no way I can protect my children from every trouble that they will come across.


Knowing that doesn't mean I don't feel responsible. It is an extension of the question "why was I not enough?".


Why was my word not enough to protect my sister from a lifetime of abuse?
Why was my love not enough to keep my brother from committing suicide?
Why was my advice not enough to convince my sister to stay safe?
Why were my instincts insufficient to recognize the full dangers my loved ones were facing?


There it is.... I want to be infallible, I want to be omniscient. I'm not God... I don't even want to know everything... until it comes to rescuing my loved ones, and then I want to know it all, to protect them from it all. I don't even want to live in a bubble or to put my boys in a bubble... I want to and want them to fully experience and embrace life. To chase down the dangers and fight through the difficulties.


Where does this leave me?


I feel like I'm spinning, spinning, spinning tonight and need to take a few different steps in my dance.

Rescuing

This is actually a hard one for me to type tonight. I am putting myself on the line, my fears of who I am.

Sometimes I wonder at the types of stories I am drawn to. There seems to be within me a deep need to have a story of survival. Which, is actually kind of funny if you ask the people who know me best, because they will tell you (and me) that I have that kind of story. I guess to me it seems very surreal. Like it's somebody else's life. Like it couldn't have really been my life. Anyone else's life and it would be traumatic, dramatic and horrid. The kind of story fairy tales are made of, the damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really someone else. If my story doesn't truly belong to me. It's as if it happened to someone else. Perhaps that is because I WAS rescued and when I was young; not by a flesh and blood person, but by God.  Does it make sense that I feel as His protection and strength that sustained through the worst things has left me feeling less whole?

That can’t be true… so, if that’s not true, then perhaps it was not wholly His strength that carried me through. Perhaps there is a large part of me that is completely dissociated from my personal history. Perhaps because most of it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could do to stop it, escape it or change it I cannot fully accept it. That should be a good thing too.  At least I recognize the truth of the matter, but….

I made some pretty stupid mistakes too. Those things I am responsible for. Some, when I was a child done out of ignorance and a cry for help, some as an adult done out of a desperate need to feel. To be loved. To be wanted…

I feel lost within myself. I love the TV shows, movies and books where someone comes in and saves the day. Where the police catch the bad guy, where the stranger sweeps in and rescues the hurting person – be they child, woman or man, where good triumphs over evil. That’s not a bad thing.

I find it hard to believe that someone will want me for me. That I can or will be loved because I exist, because I am enough. Too many have rejected me, too many who were supposed to, or promised to have caused the most damage to me.

I am strong. I don’t NEED to be a part of a couple to be whole, I acknowledge that, but I yearn for it. Just because it is necessary doesn’t mean it isn’t greatly desired. I believe it is part of our make-up, part of our humanness to want to share life with someone else, to not be alone. In the beginning God said “It is not good that man should be alone” and made him a wife, a helpmeet. I want to be a help meet. I want to be a part of something bigger than me.

I waffle between feeling like a giant, something so big it’s untouchable and feeling like a tiny grain of sand, beneath notice and walked on. Both leave me feeling lonely, unnoticed and unwanted.

Where do I go from here? How do I learn to be satisfied with what I do not have, what I (seemly) cannot have? I love my life. I love what I have, but I’m starting to desire more…. How do I balance contentment with that desire? How do I push to have the “more” in my life without losing the appreciation for what I already have? How do I fit more in my life?

Lots of questions today. Very few answers. I do know that I’m going to keep dancing, keep singing and keep searching. Life’s a dance, we learn as we go. (Garth Brooks)

Perfect?!

So many thoughts running through my brain these days. Sometimes it's too much for me to sort through and sift... Tonight I thought I'd write them out here, because... well, because I need to and maybe someone out there needs these words too.

There are times when I wonder if I left my marraige too soon, if I gave up too quickly. Then I look back and read the words I've written before, here and in my journals, and I realize that I didn't. I gave it everything I had and then some.

Something a counselor told me once was that I have the right to divorce my husband simply because I want to, I don't need a reason. I have reasons, but that wasn't her point. Her point was that it is my life to live and I don't need the approval of anyone else for the decisions I make.

I tend to be a perfectionist. I'm recognizing this more and more about myself. More importantly, I'm recognizing that this is not a good thing about me! I am human, I need to accept myself with all my flaws, failings, mistakes and humanness. I don't need to do it all "just right".

Someone else asked me recently who put this on me? Who asked me to be perfect, who told me I had to do it all "just right", who ordered me to climb every mountain.... I'd never been asked that before. I'd never thought of it before. It's me.

It's me who had to have the perfect marriage, who had to be the perfect wife.
It's me who has to be the perfect mother, who beats herself up when I falter (okay, there are also plenty of other people out there waiting to jump on me if I make a mistake, but if I'm okay, their opinion will matter much less!)
It's me who has to have the perfect documents sent to print, no errors allowed.
It's me who has to be the perfect friend.
It's me who has to sing perfectly every time
It's me who has to look perfect.
Be perfect

To be honest, the only thing I'm perfect at is failing. I'm not perfect at anything. I am perfectly imperfect. It's time I learned to be okay with that. No one else expects it of me, why do I keep expecting it of myself?

Where did this need for perfection come from? Satan sure loves to take something good and twist it into something evil. Christians are quick to tell you we are expected to become perfect, as Christ was perfect. That we are to live sinless... I think we need to revisit the definition of perfect. My BFF tells me  perfection is constant communication with Jesus and if we have that, our mistakes are simply... mistakes, not sins.

So, I declare today:

I am not perfect.
Furthermore. I do not need to be perfect.
I will stop expecting perfection of myself.

I will slip and I will fall in this dance of life, but as long as I keep getting up and trying again... that's okay.

Loneliness...

What is loneliness. I'm dwelling on that this evening.

It's been a rough week, a longer day and I'm wide awake at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping like I need to be, like my body is craving and my mind won't give in.

I've been feeling lonely lately. Interesting how I felt lonely almost all of my marriage and then the loneliness changed. I'm growing, changing and realizing that I crave a social life. I need to be heard... That's what I discovered tonight. I need to be heard, I need someone to hear me, to be listening.

Loneliness is not always simply the state of being alone, for me it is often the state of being unheard. Of not knowing who is near or far, no knowing who wants me, who misses me... I don't know the thoughts of others. I know the people who love me, the people who care... but I can't know what they are thinking, I fear when they don't communicate that they are tired of me, that I have become less important in their lives. I allow myself to be easily set aside, to be walked away from. I don't fight for people to stay in my life for very long or for very hard. I'm sure my best friend might argue with that, but I can quickly accept (right or wrong) that someone just doesn't want to be around me anymore.

Sometimes it's hard to dance alone all the time. Sometimes I crave a partner, even a temporary, short-term friend who is willing to dance with me. Some days I just need someone with skin on (who is older than 18 years old).

Seeing the 'Muscles' Grow Stronger

Tonight I am sitting here and I am realizing...

I am beautiful.

I am worthy.

I am valuable.

I am special.

I am enough.

Tomorrow, I might need reminding. I am learning to appreciate myself, to value myself and to see myself as someone special, someone worth knowing, worth being with.

I realize that not everyone may feel that way about me. Well, I actually KNOW some people don't feel that way about me. I'm learning to be okay with that too. Honestly, there are some people already that I don't care if they don't like me... I could even list names for you, but I won't. In fact, there are some I would rather they don't like me because I wouldn't want to be liked by people of their caliber. Abusers and narcissists top that list!

I can see the healing God is working in me. I feel the strength beginning to rise in my heart. Dancing with God truly is great exercise! I highly recommend you try it.

I'm learning

I'm learning to be okay with me.
I'm learning to allow myself to be set free.
I'm learning that I am enough
I'm learning that I am okay
I'm learning that it's okay for me to heal
I'm learning that it's okay for me to be happy
I'm learning that I am wanted, valued, loved

I'm learning.

When I was in my early 20's, I spent a good 5 years in counseling. During that time, I made choices that deepened the ingrained belief that I was not worthy of true love or happiness. I also learned tools that when push came to shove, I was able to realize my mistake and heal from it. I learned it was okay to take the time to heal before moving on.

What I didn't learn was that it was okay to not lock myself into the consequences of a future mistake. See, I got myself engaged to a man who didn't really want me. In fact, he told me at one point that he was only with me until "someone better came along". It was a month before our wedding when that someone better came along. I was heartbroken, but I think (looking back) that I was more heartbroken about the wedding being cancelled than I was about him breaking up with me... I think I expected it to happen sooner or later. Now, I'm eternally grateful to God for breaking us up because he turned out to be a lousy husband, a philanderer and abuser.

The other thing I didn't carry forward was into my next relationship the forgiveness towards myself for past relationships and mistakes. See, I had made myself a promise and when that promise was broken, taken away, I still felt I had to honour it. I decided that I had "made my bed and must lie in it". I was mistaken. If I had been able to forgive myself, to set aside my actions and feelings from the reality before me, I could have saved myself from more heartache and disaster.

I made my choice. If I had to go back, I'd probably make the same one because I can't imagine life without my boys, but if I could advise a woman in the same situation, I would give different advice.

For example, just because you slip up, make a mistake, sin, fall, however you want to word it, you aren't stuck with a bad choice, with a bad relationship because of it. I would advise that you step away from that moment, action or decision and look at the relationship outside of it, would you stay with that person if that moment had not happened, if that activity did not exist? I wish I had asked myself that question - in fact, I went out of my way to not ask myself that question. I thought I owed it to God, to myself, to my family, to my reputation.... to do the "right" thing. I did the wrong thing.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm in a state of reflection lately and while I regret my thought processing in this matter, I cannot say for sure what decision I would have made if I had thought it through differently. I'm not the same person today that I was then. I've come a long way, done a lot more healing, educated myself better about relationships.

Which is to say that relationships still terrify me! I pray that should God provide a next relationship (and I pray He does), I will be wiser, freer, and more careful.  Should I make a grave mistake in my judgment, in my actions (in my own eyes!) I will be more forgiving, give myself grace and not allow it to be the basis of a long term decision.

God has brought me to a forgiveness for myself. He promises that He does not hold our past sins against us, that when He forgives, it is gone. As long as I choose to accept Him, my sins died on the cross with Christ, all of them. If He does not hold them against me, if He has already taken the consequence up on Himself, if He has already washed them clean, what am I saying or doing when I cling to them? If I cannot let Him take them away from me, if I insist that I still must face the eternal consequence for them, I have not accepted His gift and I negate the sacrifice that He made for me. I'm grateful for His Gift, His sacrifice and I have no desire to throw it back in His face or devalue it.

With this forgiveness... and some days I must remind myself of it when Satan is out to try to make me forget it! ... comes a freedom previously unknown. It means that I can walk with my head up. It means that today is a fresh start... that today is a clean slate... that tomorrow can also be a clean slate.

It means that I can dream, and love, and live, and dance lightly, happily and joyfully as I move into the future.