Thursday, March 24, 2011


I'm anxious today. Why? what is going on in my thoughts to lead me to anxiety? I'm at home, the children are driving me absolutely nuts, the house is messy...

Ah there it is. The house is messy. I feel out of control of myself. I feel separated and distant from my reality. I want to bury my head in the sand, climb into bed and stay there, but I can't. What I need is out of my reach.

I realized yesterday that taking care of me is taking care of my boys. It is not wrong to take time out to spend on me, to meet my needs, to make arrangements for that to happen. The problem is that  I just don't know how to do it. How do I arrange for some time to do what I need to do? How do I take care of me without neglecting them? How do I do it all on my own?

I had to ask M to come watch the boys while I had a physical yesterday. It added to my stress... in fact, my blood pressure was up to 104/70. The doctor was happy, but I knew it was higher than usual. LOL I am scared of leaving him alone with the boys. I had exhausted every other resource, I had eliminated every other opportunity, every friend... no one was available yesterday. I could not take the boys into a physical and it was too late to reschedule... besides which I had waited 2 months already for the appointment. They did fine. They were safe, they were happy, they had fun. I slipped into high anxiety... which I ignored and just lived through... is that why today is hitting me hard?

Why is it hard for me to trust God? It is so hard to let go of control of my life to Him. I know that He is my Strength, my Guide, my Support, yet I also know that I need to take action, that I need to step out and DO for myself. Where do you draw the line between trusting and acting. I feel like anxiety is not acting. I feel like the anxiety is distrusting Him and His ability to protect me. Perhaps more accurately, I am afraid of the evil in the world that is allowed to slip through. I know the evil of the world. I know how much Satan can attack and injure. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more I can bear of this world's suffering.

Is that selfish? Is that distrustful of God? Is that wrong? It is not suicidal. It is a desire, an ache to have Jesus return and end this world.... and in a small way, it is a desire to have it be tomorrow, one way or another.

How much longer God? How much more can your people withstand here? How much more can I withstand?  How much more can YOU stand?

I want to dance in Your presence. I want to praise you with my whole being. Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly!

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