Thursday, March 24, 2011


I'm anxious today. Why? what is going on in my thoughts to lead me to anxiety? I'm at home, the children are driving me absolutely nuts, the house is messy...

Ah there it is. The house is messy. I feel out of control of myself. I feel separated and distant from my reality. I want to bury my head in the sand, climb into bed and stay there, but I can't. What I need is out of my reach.

I realized yesterday that taking care of me is taking care of my boys. It is not wrong to take time out to spend on me, to meet my needs, to make arrangements for that to happen. The problem is that  I just don't know how to do it. How do I arrange for some time to do what I need to do? How do I take care of me without neglecting them? How do I do it all on my own?

I had to ask M to come watch the boys while I had a physical yesterday. It added to my stress... in fact, my blood pressure was up to 104/70. The doctor was happy, but I knew it was higher than usual. LOL I am scared of leaving him alone with the boys. I had exhausted every other resource, I had eliminated every other opportunity, every friend... no one was available yesterday. I could not take the boys into a physical and it was too late to reschedule... besides which I had waited 2 months already for the appointment. They did fine. They were safe, they were happy, they had fun. I slipped into high anxiety... which I ignored and just lived through... is that why today is hitting me hard?

Why is it hard for me to trust God? It is so hard to let go of control of my life to Him. I know that He is my Strength, my Guide, my Support, yet I also know that I need to take action, that I need to step out and DO for myself. Where do you draw the line between trusting and acting. I feel like anxiety is not acting. I feel like the anxiety is distrusting Him and His ability to protect me. Perhaps more accurately, I am afraid of the evil in the world that is allowed to slip through. I know the evil of the world. I know how much Satan can attack and injure. I don't know how much more I can handle, how much more I can bear of this world's suffering.

Is that selfish? Is that distrustful of God? Is that wrong? It is not suicidal. It is a desire, an ache to have Jesus return and end this world.... and in a small way, it is a desire to have it be tomorrow, one way or another.

How much longer God? How much more can your people withstand here? How much more can I withstand?  How much more can YOU stand?

I want to dance in Your presence. I want to praise you with my whole being. Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly!

Monday, March 21, 2011


Do you know what I mean when I say that I feel like I am living in deep silence? There can be sounds surrounding me, the TV, Wii, computer games, radio, children talking, noises from the neighbours, mall sounds... it doesn't seem to matter where I am, I feel like I am cloaked in silence.

What does this mean? Why do I feel so isolated from reality, people, society, the world? Is it me? Am I uninteresting, unattractive, shut off from others? Or am I just feeling insensitive?

Or perhaps, is it just that I've forgotten how? For so many years, my conversations have been taken away from me. Have I lost the art of getting to know people? Is that it? There is no one telling me how to think anymore, and my thoughts have not yet awakened?

Perhaps it is. If so, the good news is that my thoughts are becoming my own again. The voices are changing, they have slowed so that the inside of my head is silence. Perhaps what I feel is not a bad thing, but a good thing.

Something to ponder. Maybe it is time to change the music, to fill my head with good things and just dance.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I am learning to rely fully on God. He truly is my strength... He is the one who is there, no matter what time, or what place I'm in. No matter what I'm feeling - whether I can put it into words or not. He is likely the only one who can handle my full weaknesses and sustain me through it.

My devotional today reminded me that I have no strength of my own. I am helpless before the trials and difficulties for the day. It was a good reminder. I delayed reading the devotional until this afternoon and I was feeling distinctly helpless by the time I remembered to read it. The thought I had immediately afterwards is that sometimes when I want to rely on His strength, I am tempted to do nothing, to rest and to just be. Then I realized... sometimes that is exactly what He wants me to do! Sometimes that is how He strengthens me. To take a break from the craziness and be still to know He is God and that He is in charge. Once I have done that, I am better able to take on the challenges of the day.

It's a hard walk. When you are feeling down, lonely, discouraged, frustrated and overwhelmed it is easy to feel helpless, but much more difficult to let someone else take the burden of those needs and turn them into strengths. Am I going to "doggedly go it alone"? Or am I ready to let Him take over?

It's going to be a work in progress, but I'm ready for Him to take over, day to day, minute by minute because, honestly, I'm failing at the going it alone part. I'm doggedly falling deeper into a pit, my digging is only causing the sides of the pit to crumble so all I'm doing is making the pit bigger. He has the strength to lift me out and set my feet on solid ground, so... I'm going to let him do that. And, while I'm waiting, I'm going to have a nice rest at the bottom of this pit, regaining my strength and being thankful for the time He's given me to do just that.

Maybe I'll do some dancing while I'm down here. :)

Hugs to you all!