I am angry today. Very angry. I find myself irritable, impatient, cranky and difficult to pull myself out of the funks.
I hate days like this. Yes, I teach my children to not hate, but I HATE feeling like this. I despise it, am annoyed by it... and to be quite frank, when I am already irritable, it only makes me crankier.
I'm hurting. The anniversary of my sister's death is quickly approaching and I've never really struggled with it before. Aside from those first, horrible days immediately following her murder, I have not truly allowed myself to let it affect me. This year, I have allowed myself to grieve, I have faced the pain of her death and I have struggled with the grief. It's been seven years and it is hitting me harder than ever.
I am not even just grieving her. I miss my brother, I miss my sister. I miss my dreams of a family, of knowing where I belong. I miss the hopes of having more, of being with someone else, being loved, cherished, wanted, desired and cared for.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I am forming new dreams, new goals, yet they seem so far out of reach, so unattainable that it feels foolish to want or work for them. I feel trapped in between where I was and where I want to be.
I guess there are so many things to be angry about. Innocent lives stolen from them, my life feels stolen from me. All those things that we ought to be able to depend on, define our lives by and feel safe in desiring have been ripped away like a rug from under my feet. One thing adds to another and suddenly I feel buried by grief, buried by anger, smothered by my own life.
I am so blessed. I am alive, I have great friends, I have my children, a loving cat who climbs on my face when I'm hurting just to snuggle and let me know she's here, family who loves me, a roof over my head, beds, Christmas presents, a vehicle, the ability and resources to help others and so much more. Yet, I hurt. I ache for what should have been, what could have been, what I wanted to be and have.
I am angry that last night I was tempted to return to a place of violence, of abuse. I am angry that I was weak in the face of an unusual niceness, gentleness and softness. I am angry that I can still be fooled by an appearance instead of a reality, that one moment can make me want to wipe away a pattern, a history and a knowledge of truth.
I am tired of grieving. I am tired of hurting. I want to be finished with this journey, to be in a place where I can give of myself without draining myself. To be able to do what I need to do without feeling completely worn out before I am even halfway through the task. To sleep at night without waking constantly to see the time slowly ticking by. To feel energized in the morning. To remember what I need to do and where I need to be without needing to constantly write it down. I want to be me, whole and complete. To be in a place where life doesn't hurt, and yes, I acknowledge the impossibility of that desire while on this planet. I pray constantly and fervently for Christ's second return. I desire that with all my heart, it is a desire I know will be fulfilled, sometime, someday and hopefully sooner than even I think.
I have days when I want to be finished. I won't choose that, but there are days I desire it. I will keep picking up the pieces and move on with my life. I will keep walking through this path of grief, I will survive this and come to thrive again. I will, as my best friend wisely advised me today, embrace the anger, use it to continue my healing process and become a better person, a person who can help others walk through this path with hopefully less angst and delay than I have.
I will be brave and I will keep dancing. May you do the same, no matter what you face today or tomorrow.