Monday, January 28, 2013


Sometimes, when you aren't able to wash the dishes immediately, you can rinse them off and leave them in the sink for when you can get to them. I was contemplating this the other day. I realized that if you leave them too long they begin to stink and eventually the residual food will even mold.

Wounds are like that also. If we rinse off the blood, wash out the dirt, but miss even the smallest speck a wound can become infected, or if you don't fully clean out the infection before moving on, the infection can come back with a vengeance, wreaking havoc on your health.

Emotionally this theory remains the same. See, if we deal with almost all of the pain of our past, if we move on before we have fully healed, fully faced the trauma's, abuses and woundings of our life, those wounds can become infected. They can remain slightly unhealed, left open, so when someone else comes along to repeat or imitate the original injury, it doesn't take much to split it wide open.

I've spent many years in counseling, attended support groups, conferences and read many self-help books in my journey to healing. However, as I work towards healing in the falling apart of my marriage, in facing the domestic violence that brought down our relationship, I am discovering that there are unhealed wounds in my past. This has amplified my anxiety and pain, a snowball effect, as it were. I'm not going to be afraid of the process this time.

I have realized that if I do not face the pain, the horrible facts and realities of the abuses in my history, that I cannot heal fully. There are relationships back there, childhood, college, and even now that I need to heal from. I need to heal before I can fully discover my passions, my interests, my joys and be a blessing to others, to help others heal from their journeys.

I'm tired of stinking. I'm tired of my emotions becoming moldy, my wounds being infected and my heart being ripped open every other day.

I'm fortunate though. I have a God who is dancing with me. Teaching me to let Him lead the dance, instead of me trying to hold onto control of it. I'm not good with staying in control of my life. I make wrong decisions, take the wrong path, force dreams not ready to be fulfilled, fall down and more. The more He dances with me, the more I realize that I need to let go, I need to let Him lead so that our dance is beautiful, joyful and productive.

I'm grateful He is my dance partner, that He never gives up on teaching me and leading me. I'm beginning to look forward to the journey.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The "Gift" of Death

I've been thinking of writing this for a while, and have held back because I don't want those struggling with thoughts of hurting or killing themselves to get the impression I might approve of those choices... I don't. In fact, two of my previous blogs include the reasons why: Suicide and The Days After.

Having clarified that, I now wish to share my thoughts on death.

I have been contemplating death lately. Not in a "I want to die" way, but just in a general, death sucks way.

Let's face it, when we experience the death of a loved one, we hurt. When we face death, we fear. None of these are emotions we wish to experience, we would avoid them at all cost if we could. As a Christian, I think to the Bible for many of my answers, and in there I discover a story of a Man who not only had the option of never dying, but this same One voluntarily chose to die, in a most cruel, public, painful way. The only reason He suffered this way was to save us from the fate of an eternal death.

When we go back to the beginning, I guess you could say that Adam also chose death. His motives were not so altruistic as Christ's. Adam chose death because he did not think he could live without his beloved Eve, who had been deceived into taking death.

Adam's choice brought death to all living things, contamination of all things beautiful and lovely. Christ's choice returned peace, joy and love, allowing the eventual return of eternal life to all who had initially chosen death.

When Eve, and then Adam, ate the forbidden fruit, was death their punishment? Was it the only option? I have to admit that I am absolutely grateful that it was. The longer I live on this earth, the more I am grateful that we do not have the option of eternal life in this state. Life is regularly horrible, continually throwing evil, traumatic events in our paths. Only by the grace of God do we survive at all. Death, I believe, was not intended to be our punishment, but rather our saving grace. No matter how horrid things get, we know that there will be an end. It will either come through death or through the second coming of Christ.

This doesn't meant that I don't grieve horribly when I lose a loved one. If you have read my blogs, you will know the depth of my pain when I consider the deaths of my siblings, I sometimes fear the death of my close friends and remaining family. I don't like pain, I especially don't like emotional pain! What it does mean is that I greatly anticipate with joy the second return of Christ, when I will see my loved ones resurrected to life, when I myself will be restored to eternal life and the privilege of meeting my Saviour and Lord, learning at His knee, basking in His glory for all time.

So... death as a punishment? Or death as an escape? Probably both. We can learn a lot from the discipline God hands out. We can view Him as an unrealistic parent, dishing out punishment without consideration, or we can thank Him for the disciplines He provides, recognizing they are, in the long run, for our own good.

My perspective on this matter, I welcome your comments in response.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year


I cannot help but wonder what this year will hold. I keep holding out for freedom, I keep praying that God will free me from the abuser, that there is a way to escape. I am beginning to realize that the way of escape sometimes comes from within. Instead of getting away from it all, I am finding peace within myself, and I recognize it as the peace that comes from God.

There are so many things that I am beginning to dream, to desire. How, this year, can I work towards making some of those things a reality for me?

One thing I am doing with my boys is a "gratitude jar". Every time we notice something good happening, we are going to write it down on a piece of paper and drop it in the jar. Then, when Satan attacks or a dark moment strikes, it will be simple and easy to remind us of the blessings in our lives.

I'm going to be singing more. Practicing, being ready at a moment's notice. I have a presentation written, I'll be practicing it, recording it and sending it out to book appointments. Lots of prayer must go into this, I welcome yours along the way. I want to do God's work, at His bidding and in His time.

What will 2013 hold? I don't know. To be honest, I'm okay with that. What I do know is that it will find me dancing farther along the path to healing and freedom!