Like I said last time, fear is a powerful motivator for deep privacy. I am really only beginning to recognize the depth of the role fear has played in my life.
I read, a lot, and one of the benefits of reading is that you can observe all angles of a situation, you can see clearly the battle, and often the solutions that evade me in real life, and my eyes are opened. One of the eye openers lately has been this theme of fear. Fear is isolating. Fear is restricting.
In a recent book I'm re-reading, the heroine fell to her knees in tears (and in private) and her tears were healing. God spoke to her in that moment of brokenness. He also spoke to me.
In my thoughts, I fall to my knees often. In my head I collapse in His arms.... but I rarely, if ever, do it in life. I'm a whole different person in my head. Part of it is that I fear falling apart. I feel like a shattered windshield, held together solely by the shatter proof threads built into a windshield and if I fall, if I drop, I will break completely into a million pieces, never to be whole again.
There it is. Truthfully, I don't feel whole now, but at least I "look" all together... sort of. Those looking at me see that I'm all together, that I'm all there, nothing glaringly obvious is missing. If I let people in, if I open the door of my heart, they might notice there are cracks in the windshield. They might see I'm being held together with ugly duct tape and mud. If they touch me, I might shatter in front of their eyes and who would want to see that?
I don't have time to fall apart. I don't have the energy to fall to pieces. .... at least, that's what I tell myself, but maybe it's that I don't have enough faith to let it all go. If I stopped trying to hold it all together, maybe I would have the energy I need to fully live.....
Maybe not.
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