Mountains & Baseball

Who knew that the mountains and baseball would have anything in common!? This weekend I experienced spiritual healing and soul refreshing from both.

See, I've been feeling very anxious, stressed, overwhelmed lately. I've been on edge, irritable, cranky and just not myself. After a day of God's powerful, miraculous nature in the mountains, I was finally beginning to feel more like myself. We ended up at Elbow Falls by taking a wrong turn, but such a beautiful place that shows God's power and majesty in action!! Then we finally made our way to Canmore where we drove up to Spray Lakes and were directed to a hiking trail that took us up a mountain to a beautiful waterfall. The boys hiked the whole 1.5 hours to the top, then we played in the snow and took photos of ourselves by the water. It felt like we were on top of the world. I felt almost normal coming back down the mountain, racing with Andrew and Charlie, singing at the top of our lungs. When down, I taught the boys how to fish, they're pretty good at it! LOL They were disappointed to not catch anything, but I promised them we'd go again.

Today, we took in a baseball game that we won tickets to from Shine 88.9 FM (Calgary). What a delightful, relaxing way to spend the day, especially with all of us being tired still from yesterday. I thoroughly enjoyed it and just felt myself relaxing, my soul becoming refreshed and rejuvenated.

I'm finding myself returning to normal. It's not going to be simple or easy. But I will get there. I was dancing again today.

I feel like I'm drowning.

There is no other way to put it lately. I'm drowning in all the things I am failing at. I'm not failing at everything, and I'm not really failing at the things I feel like I'm failing in (does that make sense?) but I feel like I'm drowning, like everything I touch or grab a hold of to keep me above water just sinks with me. I feel overwhelmed, and the undercurrents are dragging me downstream towards a great big waterfall that I will never even reach the bottom of, let alone be able to survive it.

God is sustaining me. I know that. I'm not truly drowning, in fact, I'm probably even making progress upstream, or might even have my head on dry ground and only my body is lying in the water trying to float away with me.

God is teaching me about perspective.  I wish He'd just rescue me, pick me up, brush me off, kiss my boo boos and make everything ok. I guess even if that were possible, if my leg is broken, it has to heal. If my spirit is broken, same thing. Healing takes time and it's painful. He has the power to heal me, but what if there is a lesson I or someone else needs to learn? Miracles happen daily, but not to everyone. He knows what's best for me.

I'm just tired. I don't feel good. I'm worn out, stressed, anxious, depressed, worried, overwhelmed and lacking in resources to do what needs to be done let alone what I want to do.

Thank you God for my good friends. The ones who cry with me, dance with me, share with me and love me no matter what. Thank you for sustaining me. Give me patience today to run a good race, to be patient, loving and kind. Help me to dance again, no matter what!

Fear

I have realized that, even as I pray for God to reveal to me how He feels about me, I am afraid of what He will show me. I'm afraid that even God cannot love me, that somehow, deep at the core of me is someone too wounded, too filthy, too dark to be touchable by Light.

Where does this fear come from? How is it that I am wracked with anxiety about who I am at my core? Why is it so hard for me to believe that I am worthy, lovable, valuable? I daily struggle with an internal belief that no matter what I do, it will not be enough. I am not enough. I am not sufficient.

I should love my life. In my head, I do love my life. I am mom to two delightful boys whom I home school, I work from home for an AMAZING company, I am taking charge of my life and ending the cycle of abuse as much as possible in our home. It terrifies me.

I've never been terrorized by anxiety in the past. I've made my decisions, I've lived my life. Yet now, when it all depends on me making the right choices, I feel paralyzed by fear that I am making the wrong ones. I guess that is the difference.... In the past my choices affected only me. Before I left my ex, my choices weren't really mine to make, they were always made based on his desires and wishes. Now, if I make the wrong choice, it is not just me who suffers, it is also my children. I do not want to be the cause of their suffering, yet I know that it is inevitable that I will, ultimately, be the source of some of their suffering because I am not perfect.

There are big decisions to make. Do I homeschool or not? If I don't homeschool, where do they go to school? How can I afford to put them in school? If I put Andrew in Kindergarten, do I get a job outside the home or do I focus on my at-home business the days he is in school? Will I be able to focus on work at all? If he's only in 2 days a week, is it even possible to get a job? How do I take steps to take care of myself?

Everyone advises me to take care of myself, to spend time on me.... How do I do that? How do I set my children aside for a time every day to have "me time"?

What do I do about their father? He claims to want to be a part of their lives, yet he rarely calls them, he even more infrequently makes arrangements to see them. He seems content with a 1x / week visit, yet complains regularly that he doesn't see or talk to them enough. I've been making the occasional arrangement for him to see the boys, but that backfires at me as he seems to be intent on trying to woo me or court me or something. It's not so much about the boys as it is about having me be friendly and loving towards him. I don't have any desire to step back into that relationship. Fortunately, for me, his abusive words are never gone for long, but come to light quickly and persistently, even if in subtle ways, reminding me why we are no longer together.

It hurts still. It's scary to face life alone, and honestly, I don't want to face life alone. I never envisioned my life turning out this way, never envisioned myself being a single parent, raising my boys without the support and strength of their father. They need a good man in their lives. I need a good man in my life. What if that just isn't in my future? What if I am destined to be alone and unloved because I choose to not be abused any further? Alone is better than abused, of that I am certain, it's just hard to let go of my dreams.

Does God have only good plans for me? How do I walk into His plans without fear?

How much more O God? How much more is there to bear? I feel bowed under the weight of my life, of my children's lives.... There is a song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West that plays on the radio regularly and I feel it deep into my core. (Lyrics here)

I'm dancing into this song. I'm trusting Your strength because mine is not sufficient. Amen.

Speaking to my heart

Today, as I left a work event, I must admit that I was feeling discouraged. Wondering if I was truly following God's plan or if I was just wasting my time doing something not of His leading.

The truth is that I felt His leading when I started my business. I felt His leading as I began building my business and I have seen His hand at work in all I do. I'm not seeing the results I want to see.... What if He has a different view of the results?

As I was driving and praying, I passed a church sign that read "A mighty oak was once a tiny nut that stood its ground" and as I read it, I tuned into the song on the radio which was "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair. As I started to really hear the song, they sang the words "Your life has purpose" and "Can't you see you are something beautiful". "You are someone worth dying for".

I love how God speaks to us in the every day things. In the things we do, in the music we listen to, in the places we drive. Why was I driving down that road? I could have picked a myriad of paths to my destination, but I choose the long way. God lead me down the long way. That has implications far reaching as well. My life path has taken the long way around. God's plan for my heart was not for it to be full of arrows, but that it be whole, that it be healthy and complete. The good news is that if I surrender it wholly to Him, He will repair it. He will make it like new again.

Today, I again gave Him my broken, crushed, shattered, filthy, trampled on heart. He wants it. He desires it so He can renew it and give it back to me whole, healthy. I can trust Him to protect it, I can be vulnerable with Him safely. He is an awesome God!!!

Will you dance into freedom with me?

I will never leave you nor forsake you

As I sat in church today, someone petitioned God to be with one of our youth who was baptized today. It got me wondering...

Why do we pray like we don't really believe the promise God has given us? Deuteronomy 31:6 promises that God will go before us, that He will never leave me or forsake me. Yet, the prayer is Please God, don't leave me. This promise was given to ALL. Not to a select few, but to everyone!

My prayer today is not that God will be with you. That is as sure as the sun rising tomorrow. Whether there are clouds in the way, or an eclipse or a storm so severe that it darkens the sky, I know that the sun will be there. It is the same with Christ! It doesn't matter the storms, clouds or moon that block our view of Christ, I know that He is there beside me. Leading the way, carrying me over the roughest patches. ALWAYS with me.

My prayer is that you will recognize God's light. That you will remember it is there despite the things that block it from our view. My prayer is that I will hold onto the knowledge that Christ is beside me always. My prayer is that we, you and I, will always follow God's voice and plan for our lives. That we will forever walk in the Word and Testimony of Jesus.

See, when we hear God calling us, we step out into faith. I did that when I left M. I KNOW that I obeyed God's will for me. He made it very clear, but then I allowed the comments, opinions and ideas of others to cause me to doubt whether I was truly following God's will. I allowed the words of others to supersede the Will and Words of God in my heart. Thus I became riddled with fear and anxiety.

I praise God that He has continued to walk with me. He has not left me, forsaken me or abandoned me during my moments of doubt and fear, instead He continued to remind me of His will, to encourage me to stand up and keep moving forward on His path. I praise God that during the recent Alberta Women's Retreat, He opened my eyes to what I had chosen to do. To what the enemy had deceived me into doing. No longer will I cower in fear. No longer will I allow the voices of others to cover up the Word of God in my life.

How about you? Do you recognize the presence of God in your life even when the clouds and eclipses block the light?

I am realizing and remembering that I have walked the right path, the path God has called me to. I will keep dancing down it, safe in the presence and arms of God! 

Missing my friend....

It's so hard to believe. For 2 weeks, I've been playing telephone tag with Millie. Never able to catch her at the right time, wanting to catch up with her and see how things were going. Today, it's too late. This morning, Millie didn't wake up, she was gone. I won't find out why she didn't make it to the Women's Retreat, I won't hear her laugh about her grand-daughters antics, I'll never see the flower in her hair on Sabbath morning. And that's me. How can her husband be feeling? Her children? Her grandchild?

I grieve for her family today. Their loss is astounding. Today they can't imagine how life will go on, but it will. One day will follow another until they realize a whole month, then a season, then a year has gone by and they are still getting through it. They will get through it. I just wish they could escape the pain that is their's to come in the days and months ahead. I want to take them in my arms and shield them. I can't. God can and He will, yet they still have this pain to get through, to survive.

Millie is at peace. She's resting. She no longer knows pain or sorrow, no more sadness or tears, no more worries about money or health or family.... The rest of us do. We must continue to consider these things.

In a way I envy Millie. Tomorrow morning, when she wakes up, it will be to the beautiful, glorious sight of our returning Saviour. I get to meet her again there. We selfishly want her here. She's needed here. She's loved here. She will be greatly missed here.

I'm gonna dance with her in heaven though.

Beauty

I've been sick lately with the vilest flu I can ever recall having. Finally, after 4 days, I went to the doctor who sent me for a prescription. Even though I was seriously lacking energy, I took the opportunity to wander the store in search of some much needed groceries for our family. I was grateful for the gravol keeping me on my feet without... well... you can imagine, but I was exceedingly drained and ready just to crawl into bed. The Safeway staff were wonderful and amazing with me, I felt noticed by and important to them as they went out of their way to try to make my day easier. As I waited for the checkout cashier to give me the number for my parcel pick up, I looked up at the lady in line behind me to apologize for delaying her. As I did so, I really looked at her and she just took my breath away. She was so gorgeous! I made a point of telling her so and the smile that spread across her face just made my day.

One of my favourite books is "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. One of the points that they make is that every woman longs to be seen as a beauty. This is a longing that begins in childhood and continues all through our lives, it never ends. It is a deep seated need in a woman to be desired, to be seen, to be seen as beautiful. When I told this lady how gorgeous I saw her, I saw in her that need sated for a moment. That smile transcend anything else that might have been happening in her day.

I want to challenge you as you go into your day to really look at people. To notice them. Compliment them where possible, make their day easier when you can. It made a difference to me, I'm sure it made a difference to the lady in line behind me and I know you can make a difference in someone else's day also!

Go out and dance with someone else today!