Depression

Sometimes it feels as if the weight of the whole world is bearing down on my shoulders, like I cannot carry anymore. I feel guilty for that, guilty for hurting, guilty for not being strong enough. I should be strong enough. Falling apart is not an option, I have to keep my head about me, my wits about me, my faith should be strong enough to sustain me, to keep my head above water, to keep me from being weak, from hurting.

Why do I think I am exempt from hurting? Just like everyone else, I live here, I get to suffer the consequences of living in a sinful world, of rebelling against God.  I was reading Job the other day and when I got to chapter 3, it struck me that Job's cry out, his desire to have never been born was his expression of his pain, of his deep depression, yet God never condemned him for that. In fact, Job was commended because through it all "he sinned not". Job did not sin by being depressed, by hurting, nor by expressing that pain and hurt.

When I cry out in pain, that is my honest expression of emotion, it is not sinful to say "I am hurting", or "I am depressed". I am normal, I am okay. I may be hurting, but my depression, pain and emotions are not necessarily sinning against God. They are honest, God given emotions. What I do with them, how I express them, decides if I sin or not.

Maybe it's okay if I slow down the dance. Maybe it's okay if I take the time to slow dance for a bit and just cry on His shoulders when I need to. No matter how we dance, as long as I let Christ lead, it will be a beautiful journey.