I'm having flashbacks regularly lately. One seems to lead to another, one memory begets another memory and I am learning / remembering more and more of my past. Unfortunately, I can fend off the memories until I lay down at night and then my brain is flooded. Last night, the flood came to the point that I couldn't keep my eyes closed and yet opening them didn't stop the flood. Last night, I realized there was more to my marital abuse than I was ever willing to admit or acknowledge. I've taken responsibility for things that were not my responsibility. I am stunned to realize that my marriage was based, not only on the lies he told me, but on the lies I had told myself, the decisions I made because of those lies.
It started with a memory a few weeks ago regarding a childhood incident that I had always instinctively known must have been there, but couldn't remember. Now I remember. The memory came in a flashback with feelings and thoughts, which lead to other instances in my life where I have felt those emotions, which lead to a time immediately after I met my ex-husband. One memory regularly leads to a whole review of that portion of a relationship and I have been battling nausea with the realizations shown to me.
I will no longer be stunned into frozen. I won't allow my boundaries to be bulldozed, my desires ignored and my voice silenced. I will look at a situation and no longer expect one thing, but will state my expectations ahead of time. I will expect to be treated with respect from now on.
I feel as if my brain is dancing free of the cobwebs. With the freedom comes the memories both good and bad... I'm truly okay with that. Even if I am left reeling from reality, the fog is lifting and my thoughts become clearer, my future starts to look brighter and my hope begins to rise that something better is actually out there.
This is just another part of the dance to freedom. I feel God's hand, firmly but gently, leading me down this road. He wants good for me. He wants me to escape the prison walls abuse has built around me, the moat I dug within them in case someone tried to breach the walls. We're filling in the moat, breaking down the walls.
Is it safe?
Only when He leads the way.