I have been dreaming lately. I mean actual night dreams this time... I have never done this. Even as a young girl, I thought it strange that I never dreamed.... my friends, siblings, parents, classmates, would all talk about the dreams they had the night before and I always had a blank slate. I slept pretty soundly, but there was just blackness, no dreaming. It's a new feeling for me... sometimes I wake feeling unrested because so much had happened while I was sleeping!
A recurring theme through my dreams has been that of needing to be rescued. For so long, I have (day)dreamed (since childhood) of having the knight ride in to rescue me, or ANYONE to ride in and rescue me from all that was going on... My dad was once the hero in my (day) dreams, then as I got older it would be a boyfriend/husband, then police, courts, TV heroes.... There has never been a hero. Even now, I must confess, that I keep waiting for the courts to rescue me, for someone to see the truth and step up to say "You don't have to fight this battle alone, I will fight it with you".
I've come to the realization that I must stand alone. That there is not going to be someone to rescue me. I have prayed for God to rescue me and still felt alone, still felt like I would have to rescue myself. My dreams have portrayed this to me... My own fears coming forth and bubbling over. In one dream, I dreamed I was drowning... then I dove in and saved myself. Now you know it was a night-dream... The second me could breath underwater while the first me couldn't. Maybe it was a sign that I'm getting stronger, that I'm healing, that I need rescuing less.... But when I came up out of the water, there was a crowd of people around and none of them had even noticed I was in trouble.
Then came an experience. I love that God speaks to us through experiences. (I know that He also uses dreams, but for me an experience speaks louder!)
I was at Rainbows (Singles) Family Camp and my youngest wanted a canoe ride. All the other parents and adults being busy with their families and activities, I took him out on my own. I'm a pretty strong canoe-er and thought nothing of it... I also didn't intend to go very far. He was a little scared of the rocking of the canoe, so I taught him how and where to sit, had him turn around and face me because when you see someone you trust it's easier! A motor boat came along just as I planned to turn around and I decided to wait until the waves died down before returning to shore.... except I didn't plan on the wind that day or realize how far we had paddled.... When I tried to turn the canoe, the wind pushed it right back. When I paddled toward shore, the wind held us still. When I paused to rest, the wind and waves pushed us farther away.
With my son watching me, I couldn't show my anxiety, I couldn't let him know how scared I was becoming! I knew I was rapidly running out of energy and I couldn't remember how to get the life guards attention! I forgot that in the boat were the tools we needed to be rescued. He knew we were having trouble getting back to shore... and, bless his little rule-keeping heart, he was worried we were getting out of the life guards sight.
I looked at him and I prayed out loud, asking Jesus to come pick up a paddle and row with me. I gave up trying to turn the canoe and just paddled backwards. As we gained ground, as we came closer and closer to camp, my little one said "I guess that's why we needed to have two paddles in the canoe, hunh Mom". He knew Jesus was paddling on the other end of the canoe. He knew we had just been rescued by THE Rescuer.
I was so relieved to be back at shore, I was so grateful to have been able to return safely (and without embarrassment, I might add) that I missed the fact that I had just been Rescued.
I know my Rescuer and His name is Jesus. He hasn't left me, He knows the truth, He will continue to protect me, He will continue to carry me through.