Tuesday, January 11, 2011


I find it very difficult to face myself, to face my fears.

Recently D was sharing with me how she is doing a 12-step program and how liberating steps 4-6 were for her. I half-jokingly said they need a Life Anonymous group so anyone could feel they belong and were able to participate in the 12 step program. I could see the value in it, I can see the changes in D already.

It's a brave process, to look at yourself and take a fearless moral inventory. Wow. How many of us face our past pain, decisions and actions in a fearless manner? I'm lucky if I can remember 1/2 of them! What is it that makes it easier for one person to look back and face it, to look into themselves and say "this is how I feel, this is what is going on inside of me". Why am I having such trouble doing that?

Oh, right. I'm afraid that the worst things people have said about me are true. Honestly, I'm afraid that if I look too deep within myself I will find this horrid, disgusting person that no one, including myself, can stand to be around. Someone so putrefied and decayed that there is no way to make it better, no way to save me.

That's a pretty big lie. I can intellectually recognize it for the lie that it is, yet I am having difficulty accepting it as a lie emotionally. Choices says to "act your way into a feeling", but the truth is, I've been acting my way into that feeling and the fear is just growing. Of course, it doesn't help to be told how evil and vile I am on a fairly consistent and almost weekly basis, but...

Will taking a fearless moral inventory of myself help? Or will it just prove my naysayers right? Does it come down to intelligence vs. emotion? Fear vs. courage?

How is living in my fear helping me? I think I can say with all definitiveness that it is not helping me, especially considering I spent the better part of the afternoon in ER (on the advice of Health Links and the urging of good friends) over a panic attack. I feel like I could crawl right out of my skin some days, like I just need to run away and escape life for a while.

How can I make a change? I think I need to follow D's example and fearlessly face the demons of my past. Fearlessly make that moral inventory and see where God leads me. If I let Him lead, the dance will go far smoother than when I try to take over the lead. I keep tripping and falling. He can make the dance beautiful. Will He make me beautiful?

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