I came in late for Sabbath School this morning and to get an idea of the topic, I opened the study and jumping off the page at me was the point that guilt only came to Adam and Eve AFTER they sinned. It was not a God-created emotion, it was a consequence of sin. Interestingly enough, the speaker this morning also touched on how God draws us close with love, not with fear or guilt and then, when I got home T and I had a very good talk about forgiveness, anxiety and love.
I've been questioning myself. Am I trusting God enough? Am I failing? Am I enough? See, there is fear in my life, yet God is in my life also... If "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18), then why is there still fear in my life if God is in my life? So, I suppose the answer is that I am not yet perfect. Which, is normal and ok. In fact T has been sharing her daily devotional with me and one of them just this past week read "we cannot expect perfection this side of heaven" (and I'm paraphrasing there). So, it's okay if I'm not perfect? Are you sure? LOL
If perfect love casts out fear, what does damaged love do? So, I'm living in the fallout of damaged love and working through the fear.
I am amazed by my God. All conversations pointed to guilt, to love, to fear and back to God. T & I were talking about her anxiety attacks, when they diminished and why. We came to the conclusion/realization that it was not an event, but rather a shift in focus. If I shift my focus to God, if I truly immerse myself in His Love, His Word, His Being, will that reduce my anxiety? It has for other friends.... The stupid, inconceivable thing is that there is a part of me that is afraid to fully immerse myself in God. Why? I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He has only good things planned for me.
Oh. I don't believe I deserve those good things. I don't feel like I'm enough, like I'm worthy. God isn't about worth, He is about giving. I don't have to earn my value in His eyes, it is His gift, freely given to me, bought with a desperate, incomparable price. He did that for me. For me! How can I throw that away?
I need God, I so desperately cling to Him, He has been my sanity, my strength, my life for so many years.... Why does He still scare me????