Here I am, sitting in a place I've wanted to be in for a very long time. I'm not only beginning to feel healthy emotionally, but at this very moment, I'm sitting in my best friends house, watching her cat play, listening to lullabies as our 5 children go to sleep. I'm speaking and singing at a domestic violence Gala here in Spokane in one week and... I'm terrified.
It's the weird thing about dreams come true for me. When the time comes for a dream to be fulfilled I seem to fail myself. I cry, I withdraw, I fear the next step. There is so many unknowns about what will happen next..
What if they hate me?
What if my presentation flops?
What if I break down?
What if my voice breaks?
What if I forget all the words?
What if I use the words, use them and lose the power in the message because people can get so caught up in the medium that they focus on me not doing it "right"?
What if I don't do it "right"?
What if I completely mess it up?
What if what I have to say helps no one?
What if ....
What if ....
What if ....
I hate living like this. I remember a time when I was just me, when I enjoyed being in people's company, when I wasn't afraid of judgment, when I didn't fear that if I made one small misstep, they would stop liking me, that they would wait with baited breath for me to leave.
I can recognize most of these as fears, as being unreasonable, but they are so powerful right now. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to reach out, I can 't seem to remember how to act around other people, I don't know how to relax and enjoy myself in a social setting anymore, I'm always on guard to protect my children, myself.
I'm talking about Domestic Violence this weekend. I am reminded of the reasons I separated from my ex, but at the same time I am hearing stories of abuse I never experienced. Sometimes I feel that if my story is not severe enough, I should still be in the abusive relationship. That is a lie. I need to recognize it as such and call it out.
Seriously, I am with the person I trust most in the world the next couple of weeks and I'm so scared I'm going to make her angry with me, scared she'll never want my kids around hers, scared she's going to be mad at me because I do things differently, don't do enough, do things wrong, we make a mess, we make mistakes, I don't read her mind properly (ha!), etc. Every time one of those things happen, she just takes it in stride, she's such a great, forgiving, loving person, but my fears still stand.
Where do these fears come from? I know that Satan is attacking my heart, but it truly doesn't take much. There are so many things I can screw up all without his assistance, all he has to do is remind me of them. God has forgiven them, but God can't forgive who I am, who He made me to be, and that is what I feel is under attack. God doesn't want me to repent of who I am, He wants me to live it fully, to have abundance, to see my dreams come true.
Maybe there is a bit of grief in having a dream come true. For so long I have held onto this dream, this goal, focusing my passions in this area, that to have it come true means it must change, it must evolve one way or another. Even if I am successful at this event, even if my story rings and I am asked for more speaking engagements, this is life-changing.
In that way, this moment seems surreal. Here I am, in a place I didn`t think I would be able to be in for months, or even years more and to have it arrive combined with the opportunity to share Angela`s and my story... it`s almost too much to take.
I need to face the surreality that surrounds me. I need to shake off the busyness, the challenges, the fears and address this moment, see it for what it really is.... Pause in the dance long enough to recognize that thee music is changing.
I will beat back my fears. Maybe this week my dance will look more like a choreographed fight scene in a film, but I can guarantee you that I WILL BE DANCING!
I will also be speaking and singing. Pray for me... and, if you are in the Spokane area, check out our Purple Ribbon Gala on February 18th. It will be an awesome, amazing event!