I struggle with setting boundaries. I'm learning, but it is difficult for me to stay strong in this area. As I sit here this morning, the thought struck me that I don't feel necessary, I don't feel valuable, unless I am helping someone. So, I set aside my needs, compromise my boundaries in order to be helpful to others because it is only in helping others that I find value in myself.
I don't find value in taking care of me. I have work to do in this area, but since we cannot change what we do not acknowledge, I'm going to see this realization as a good thing, as a step in the right direction.
This happened again at the hospital Friday night... My son needed stitches in his knee. I let his dad know what was happening and he rushed over to the hospital to see the boys. I let the nurses know he only had supervised visits and I needed their help because I don't want to be alone with him and the boys. The came up with an acceptable solution, and then later came and asked me to change it to make things simpler for them. What do you say when the nurses tell you they can't honour their word? How do you demand that their suddenly busy ER still help you keep your boundaries. I conceded and they sent him down to stay with us, leaving us alone with him. They said they would have him leave again when the doctor came, but they didn't. I had to be the one to ask him to step out, I had to reset the boundary to make my son's experience easier to get through.
I felt ignored, like my children's needs, my needs were unimportant in light of their needs. I'm still not sure how I could have done things differently in that situation. Sometimes you have to bend, to break a rule for someone else. Sometimes it's more dangerous than it seems. With all the domestic violence posters they have in the hospital, I felt like they should have been more aware of the potential risks.
Education for domestic violence is key. I'm glad God has called me to work in that area. So often we see normal when we should see abuse.
I'm getting better at the boundary setting and keeping. It's a work in progress, but isn't the best dance one that is always improving?