Dreams Coming True

Here I am, sitting in a place I've wanted to be in for a very long time. I'm not only beginning to feel healthy emotionally, but at this very moment, I'm sitting in my best friends house, watching her cat play, listening to lullabies as our 5 children go to sleep. I'm speaking and singing at a domestic violence Gala here in Spokane in one week and... I'm terrified.

It's the weird thing about dreams come true for me. When the time comes for a dream to be fulfilled I seem to fail myself. I cry, I withdraw, I fear the next step. There is so many unknowns about what will happen next..

What if they hate me?
What if my presentation flops?
What if I break down?
What if my voice breaks?
What if I forget all the words?
What if I use the words, use them and lose the power in the message because people can get so caught up in the medium that they focus on me not doing it "right"?
What if I don't do it "right"?
What if I completely mess it up?
What if what I have to say helps no one?
What if ....
What if ....
What if ....

I hate living like this. I remember a time when I was just me, when I enjoyed being in people's company, when I wasn't afraid of judgment, when I didn't fear that if I made one small misstep, they would stop liking me, that they would wait with baited breath for me to leave.

I can recognize most of these as fears, as being unreasonable, but they are so powerful right now. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to reach out, I can 't seem to remember how to act around other people, I don't know how to relax and enjoy myself in a social setting anymore, I'm always on guard to protect my children, myself.


I'm talking about Domestic Violence this weekend. I am reminded of the reasons I separated from my ex, but at the same time I am hearing stories of abuse I never experienced. Sometimes I feel that if my story is not severe enough, I should still be in the abusive relationship. That is a lie. I need to recognize it as such and call it out.


Seriously, I am with the person I trust most in the world the next couple of weeks and I'm so scared I'm going to make her angry with me, scared she'll never want my kids around hers, scared she's going to be mad at me because I do things differently, don't do enough, do things wrong, we make a mess, we make mistakes, I don't read her mind properly (ha!), etc. Every time one of those things happen, she just takes it in stride, she's such a great, forgiving, loving person, but my fears still stand.

Where do these fears come from? I know that Satan is attacking my heart, but it truly doesn't take much. There are so many things I can screw up all without his assistance, all he has to do is remind me of them. God has forgiven them, but God can't forgive who I am, who He made me to be, and that is what I feel is under attack. God doesn't want me to repent of who I am, He wants me to live it fully, to have abundance, to see my dreams come true.

Maybe there is a bit of grief in having a dream come true. For so long I have held onto this dream, this goal, focusing my passions in this area, that to have it come true means it must change, it must evolve one way or another. Even if I am successful at this event, even if my story rings and I am asked for more speaking engagements, this is life-changing.

In that way, this moment seems surreal. Here I am, in a place I didn`t think I would be able to be in for months, or even years more and to have it arrive combined with the opportunity to share Angela`s and my story... it`s almost too much to take.

I need to face the surreality that surrounds me. I need to shake off the busyness, the challenges, the fears and address this moment, see it for what it really is.... Pause in the dance long enough to recognize that thee music is changing.

I will beat back my fears. Maybe this week my dance will look more like a choreographed fight scene in a film, but I can guarantee you that I WILL BE DANCING!

I will also be speaking and singing. Pray for me... and, if you are in the Spokane area, check out our Purple Ribbon Gala on February 18th. It will be an awesome, amazing event!

Infected

Sometimes, when you aren't able to wash the dishes immediately, you can rinse them off and leave them in the sink for when you can get to them. I was contemplating this the other day. I realized that if you leave them too long they begin to stink and eventually the residual food will even mold.

Wounds are like that also. If we rinse off the blood, wash out the dirt, but miss even the smallest speck a wound can become infected, or if you don't fully clean out the infection before moving on, the infection can come back with a vengeance, wreaking havoc on your health.

Emotionally this theory remains the same. See, if we deal with almost all of the pain of our past, if we move on before we have fully healed, fully faced the trauma's, abuses and woundings of our life, those wounds can become infected. They can remain slightly unhealed, left open, so when someone else comes along to repeat or imitate the original injury, it doesn't take much to split it wide open.

I've spent many years in counseling, attended support groups, conferences and read many self-help books in my journey to healing. However, as I work towards healing in the falling apart of my marriage, in facing the domestic violence that brought down our relationship, I am discovering that there are unhealed wounds in my past. This has amplified my anxiety and pain, a snowball effect, as it were. I'm not going to be afraid of the process this time.

I have realized that if I do not face the pain, the horrible facts and realities of the abuses in my history, that I cannot heal fully. There are relationships back there, childhood, college, and even now that I need to heal from. I need to heal before I can fully discover my passions, my interests, my joys and be a blessing to others, to help others heal from their journeys.

I'm tired of stinking. I'm tired of my emotions becoming moldy, my wounds being infected and my heart being ripped open every other day.

I'm fortunate though. I have a God who is dancing with me. Teaching me to let Him lead the dance, instead of me trying to hold onto control of it. I'm not good with staying in control of my life. I make wrong decisions, take the wrong path, force dreams not ready to be fulfilled, fall down and more. The more He dances with me, the more I realize that I need to let go, I need to let Him lead so that our dance is beautiful, joyful and productive.

I'm grateful He is my dance partner, that He never gives up on teaching me and leading me. I'm beginning to look forward to the journey.

The "Gift" of Death

I've been thinking of writing this for a while, and have held back because I don't want those struggling with thoughts of hurting or killing themselves to get the impression I might approve of those choices... I don't. In fact, two of my previous blogs include the reasons why: Suicide and The Days After.

Having clarified that, I now wish to share my thoughts on death.

I have been contemplating death lately. Not in a "I want to die" way, but just in a general, death sucks way.

Let's face it, when we experience the death of a loved one, we hurt. When we face death, we fear. None of these are emotions we wish to experience, we would avoid them at all cost if we could. As a Christian, I think to the Bible for many of my answers, and in there I discover a story of a Man who not only had the option of never dying, but this same One voluntarily chose to die, in a most cruel, public, painful way. The only reason He suffered this way was to save us from the fate of an eternal death.

When we go back to the beginning, I guess you could say that Adam also chose death. His motives were not so altruistic as Christ's. Adam chose death because he did not think he could live without his beloved Eve, who had been deceived into taking death.

Adam's choice brought death to all living things, contamination of all things beautiful and lovely. Christ's choice returned peace, joy and love, allowing the eventual return of eternal life to all who had initially chosen death.

When Eve, and then Adam, ate the forbidden fruit, was death their punishment? Was it the only option? I have to admit that I am absolutely grateful that it was. The longer I live on this earth, the more I am grateful that we do not have the option of eternal life in this state. Life is regularly horrible, continually throwing evil, traumatic events in our paths. Only by the grace of God do we survive at all. Death, I believe, was not intended to be our punishment, but rather our saving grace. No matter how horrid things get, we know that there will be an end. It will either come through death or through the second coming of Christ.

This doesn't meant that I don't grieve horribly when I lose a loved one. If you have read my blogs, you will know the depth of my pain when I consider the deaths of my siblings, I sometimes fear the death of my close friends and remaining family. I don't like pain, I especially don't like emotional pain! What it does mean is that I greatly anticipate with joy the second return of Christ, when I will see my loved ones resurrected to life, when I myself will be restored to eternal life and the privilege of meeting my Saviour and Lord, learning at His knee, basking in His glory for all time.

So... death as a punishment? Or death as an escape? Probably both. We can learn a lot from the discipline God hands out. We can view Him as an unrealistic parent, dishing out punishment without consideration, or we can thank Him for the disciplines He provides, recognizing they are, in the long run, for our own good.

My perspective on this matter, I welcome your comments in response.

New Year

2013.

I cannot help but wonder what this year will hold. I keep holding out for freedom, I keep praying that God will free me from the abuser, that there is a way to escape. I am beginning to realize that the way of escape sometimes comes from within. Instead of getting away from it all, I am finding peace within myself, and I recognize it as the peace that comes from God.

There are so many things that I am beginning to dream, to desire. How, this year, can I work towards making some of those things a reality for me?

One thing I am doing with my boys is a "gratitude jar". Every time we notice something good happening, we are going to write it down on a piece of paper and drop it in the jar. Then, when Satan attacks or a dark moment strikes, it will be simple and easy to remind us of the blessings in our lives.

I'm going to be singing more. Practicing, being ready at a moment's notice. I have a presentation written, I'll be practicing it, recording it and sending it out to book appointments. Lots of prayer must go into this, I welcome yours along the way. I want to do God's work, at His bidding and in His time.

What will 2013 hold? I don't know. To be honest, I'm okay with that. What I do know is that it will find me dancing farther along the path to healing and freedom!

The Insidious Nature of DV

Domestic Violence (DV) is not typically restricted to one area of abuse. In most cases, the abuse invades multiple areas of the relationship. Emotional abuse is pervasive all the way through, but is almost always accompanied by verbal, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual or other types of abuse. In my experience, I didn't even realize that what I was going through was abuse for many years. Emotional abuse is insidious. It doesn't show as abuse immediately, in fact, it hides very well... sometimes making you feel loved because of their jealousy, wanted because of the time they always want to spend with you, crazy because your perceptions are so different from theirs, lost because you aren't sure if you're seeing what you're seeing.

The truth is that if they hit you the very first time, if they beat you to a pulp or leave bruises, knock you unconscious or throw you down the stairs... that very first time they abused you, you would walk away, you would press charges. The reality is that almost no relational abuser starts at that place. From the first conversation, from the beginning of the relationship, they are manipulating, twisting, lying, emotionally changing things to suit their perspective, their reality.  So, by the time they do something blatantly abusive, you have reduced self-esteem, and self-confidence so you question yourself and what is happening.

I am beginning to realize that there was sexual abuse throughout my marriage. I didn't recognize it, still struggle with the idea. I think that can be normal with almost any marriage where sexual abuse is happening, sex is supposed to happen within a marriage, it`s supposed to be a natural expression of love between partners. My ex was not violent in his sexual experiences with me, but he used it. If I turned down his advances, I would pay for it. He would withhold sex from me, he would turn down my advances. He would complain that he didn't get it often enough (sometimes in public!), that I didn't initiate it often enough and then deny me when I did try to initiate sex, claiming I wasn't obvious enough, that I didn't say the right words, so he didn't know what I wanted. It came to a point that I would give him what he wanted, when he wanted it as often as possible just to keep the peace. There were times when I didn't want sex and gave in because it was my responsibility, because I didn't want the drama that followed if I denied him, if I said no, it could, and often was, a month or more before he approached me again... all the while complaining that I wasn't giving enough.That is sexual abuse. It is not always a violent encounter, not always non-consensual sex.  

Porn can be sexual abuse and very often leads to sexual, verbal and emotional abuse, but that is a topic for another time.

The very strange, and often difficult part to grasp, about sexual abuse is that it can make the victim feel more loved, more attached to their abuser. This is not always the case, and especially not in the case where the sex becomes violent more often than not, but when no is not accepted as an answer it can feed a need to be desired.

There were times when my ex would comment how he wished my step-dad was still alive so he could harm him, when he would wish he knew some of my other exes who had abused me, where he wished I had lived a different life so I could have come to him unharmed, willing/able to do what he wanted me to do. This was designed to make me feel loved and protected, but also had the opposite effect of making me feel like damaged goods, like I wasn't good enough for him, like I was lacking in an important or significant area.

Another part of the insidious abuse I experienced was the frequency, after I began seeing the abusive behaviour with which he accused me of being "over-reactive" to things as a result of my sister's murder, and because of the abuse in my past. In fact, it got to the point where we could not discuss our separation, our parenting plan or any other aspect of us being apart without him bringing up my sister. While in mediation he brought it up in every meeting, finally blurting out some of the details of her death with crudeness just to make his point and to hurt me.

It is natural for someone who loves you to wish that they could have protected you from past harms, that they could do something about or to those who have hurt you in the past and to be sorry for you that you experienced such things, but to harp on it, to bring it up in intimate moments or disagreements is only abusive. We all have baggage, we all have hurts that we bring to a relationship, they should not be used to bring further harm or injury to our hearts.

Insidious abuse is not only difficult for the victim to see and realize, but once they do, once the abuse begins to escalate more and more so the abuse becomes apparent to them, it is still hard to walk away because it is insidious. When I left, I had people tell me that "everybody" acts that way sometimes, you just have to work through it, people told me they felt he had changed and I should give him another chance. People asked if I had gone to the police, but what was I to tell the police? He never left bruises, he never threatened our lives, he never escalated to the point where there was blatant, violent threats or actions... but he was escalating. Insidious abuse is even harder for your support team to see, he often has seemingly reasonable justifications for specific behaviours and the pattern is usually hidden from the outside world.. 

It is of the utmost importance to reach out to someone who knows abuse for support during the insidious period of abuse. When you begin to realize it, when you begin to see it, find someone who knows what they are talking about. If they feel what is happening is not abusive, they'll tell you so, but better it come from an "expert" than it come from someone who has never lived it, never studied it, never worked with it.

If you want to know some of the signs and symptoms of abuse, check out the webpage at the WHE Network.  There are some excellent articles there regarding the signs of an abuser. Dr. Irene is another excellent webpage and your local women's shelter (even if you are a man, they will help you find resources!) are great resources (My home city, Calgary, has 3 - Calgary Women's Emergency Shelter, Sonshine and the YWCA. Each offers counseling as well as an emergency shelter).

I'm still learning on this walk. I'm still recognizing the signs and as I continue to heal, I begin to dream. In my dreams I see things I had forgotten, things I had ignored or accepted as normal. There is very little that is "normal" in an abusive relationship. Everything is affected by the abuse, even the good times. In the good times you enjoy them to the fullest because you never know when the other shoe will drop. In the bad times you are constantly on edge, not knowing how far it will go this time, or when it will suddenly end and throw you into a "good time" where you have to pretend everything is okay, like nothing happened yesterday or even a few minutes ago.

I am not alone in this dance. I am only alone when I refuse to speak, when I stay silent. There are many on this path, there are many who are suffering in silence. Only when they hear the words of those who choose to say "No More" will they be able to take that step of freedom, to begin their dance out of abuse. Let us all stand up to say "No More"!

To those who are blessed to live free of abuse, to those who are blessed to be walking out of it, to those who have left it behind and to those still living in it, I challenge you to stand up for the weaker ones. Stop judging those who stay, stop being silent. Begin to speak out, let them know that this behaviour will no longer be tolerated, that there is a way out and that no matter their choice - to stay or to go - you will be by their side. Be aware of the resources in your community, know where to find them, know when to reach out for them on behalf of a friend or yourself.

Please join me in the dance to freedom!

Anger

I am angry today. Very angry. I find myself irritable, impatient, cranky and difficult to pull myself out of the funks.

I hate days like this. Yes, I teach my children to not hate, but I HATE feeling like this. I despise it, am annoyed by it... and to be quite frank, when I am already irritable, it only makes me crankier.

I'm hurting. The anniversary of my sister's death is quickly approaching and I've never really struggled with it before. Aside from those first, horrible days immediately following her murder, I have not truly allowed myself to let it affect me. This year, I have allowed myself to grieve, I have faced the pain of her death and I have struggled with the grief. It's been seven years and it is hitting me harder than ever.

I am not even just grieving her. I miss my brother, I miss my sister. I miss my dreams of a family, of knowing where I belong. I miss the hopes of having more, of being with someone else, being loved, cherished, wanted, desired and cared for.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I am forming new dreams, new goals, yet they seem so far out of reach, so unattainable that it feels foolish to want or work for them. I feel trapped in between where I was and where I want to be.

I guess there are so many things to be angry about. Innocent lives stolen from them, my life feels stolen from me. All those things that we ought to be able to depend on, define our lives by and feel safe in desiring have been ripped away like a rug from under my feet. One thing adds to another and suddenly I feel buried by grief, buried by anger, smothered by my own life.

I am so blessed. I am alive, I have great friends, I have my children, a loving cat who climbs on my face when I'm hurting just to snuggle and let me know she's here, family who loves me, a roof over my head, beds, Christmas presents, a vehicle, the ability and resources to help others and so much more. Yet, I hurt. I ache for what should have been, what could have been, what I wanted to be and have.

I am angry that last night I was tempted to return to a place of violence, of abuse. I am angry that I was weak in the face of an unusual niceness, gentleness and softness. I am angry that I can still be fooled by an appearance instead of a reality, that one moment can make me want to wipe away a pattern, a history and a knowledge of truth.

I am tired of grieving. I am tired of hurting. I want to be finished with this journey, to be in a place where I can give of myself without draining myself. To be able to do what I need to do without feeling completely worn out before I am even halfway through the task. To sleep at night without waking constantly to see the time slowly ticking by. To feel energized in the morning. To remember what I need to do and where I need to be without needing to constantly write it down. I want to be me, whole and complete. To be in a place where life doesn't hurt, and yes, I acknowledge the impossibility of that desire while on this planet. I pray constantly and fervently for Christ's second return. I desire that with all my heart, it is a desire I know will be fulfilled, sometime, someday and hopefully sooner than even I think.

I have days when I want to be finished. I won't choose that, but there are days I desire it. I will keep picking up the pieces and move on with my life. I will keep walking through this path of grief, I will survive this and come to thrive again. I will, as my best friend wisely advised me today, embrace the anger, use it to continue my healing process and become a better person, a person who can help others walk through this path with hopefully less angst and delay than I have.

I will be brave and I will keep dancing. May you do the same, no matter what you face today or tomorrow.

Borrowed Time

I heard a song on the radio the other day (Good to be Alive, by Jason Gray), not for the first time, but it started me thinking...

I feel like I`m living on borrowed time, my siblings were both dead before they reached my age. Yet, I frequently don`t feel like it`s Good to Be Alive. What does it mean to live on borrowed time? What does it mean to you?

There are two ways to live on borrowed time. The first is to live in fear that this will be your last day. I can understand this way of thinking because I have great responsibilities. I have two boys who need their mom and if I'm on borrowed time, that could mean a short time and I want them to know I love them, I would do anything for them and I would never leave them on purpose. At the same time, living in fear is never a good option. It fills your life with angst, pain, anger, frustration and ineffectiveness. I don't want to teach them that way of living. I want them to continue living in joy and delight.

The second way to live on borrowed time is like it says in the song. To give everything you have to the moment. To live joyfully, to see everything like it is the last time, or the first time you are experiencing it. This is a harder way to live. This means to forget what might happen tomorrow, to leave the worries behind because you might not be there anyway. To fulfill today what today holds. The Bible talks about that actually,  in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus speaks specifically about worrying. Verse 34 says:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's a slightly different twist on living like there's no tomorrow. Jesus just advises us to leave tomorrow alone until we get to it. We need to deal with today, with what today holds because it is more than enough for us to bear. He never intended that we try to deal with all our troubles and challenges in one day, He deliberately separated the days for us to take it in small enough chunks to handle. I can't handle things if I try to take them all at once. We have to "chunk it" to effectively manage... our work, our homes, our families, our schedules, learning new things, etc. I can't do tomorrows jobs today and thinking about them will not get today's work done any faster by focusing on what needs to be done tomorrow.

I am sliding off topic just a little there, but the concept remains. To truly live like you are on borrowed time does not mean living in fear of there being no tomorrow, it means to live for today. To deal with today and it's tasks, problems and joys in a way that leaves a legacy of happy remembrances for those who are left tomorrow. To trust God that tomorrow will be taken care of, whether or not I am here because He will be here. It's hard to do. Even harder when I look at my boys and try to imagine what would happen to them if I was suddenly gone... Given my family history however, that is something that is often on my mind. I need to teach them to trust God, to know He will always be there, whether or not I am. I need to trust that God will take care of them, no matter what.

Living on borrowed time means dreaming my dreams and making my plans, but not clinging to them so hard that it means the end of the world for all if they somehow fall through. It means trusting God to be in charge of my life, my plans, my dreams, my family and more. He knows the beginning from the end and He will make all things good. If I pursue my dreams today, then I have done what I can. If I fail to pursue my dreams, then I fail myself and my children. If I work today then I achieve all I can. If I have tomorrow then I can continue to pursue those dreams, if I don't there will be no regrets that I didn't do as much as I could.

Live like there's no tomorrow, love like you're on borrowed time, don't waste the time we're given.

And, dance like no one's watching!!!