T and I were discussing the book "Captivating" (by John & Stasi Eldredge) today. The book calls even women to be warriors, it reminds us that we also have a battle to fight, one that is unique to our femininity and beauty. T commented that we are to be Princess Warriors and it reminded me of a long ago time when I was enthralled with the meaning of my name. Interesting enough, my name means Princess and Fights with Honor. So, my name means Princess Warrior. I am called to fight a battle. I have been born to fight a battle, everything in my life has brought me to the battle before me.
God has called me to this battle. Whether or not I want to fight it, it is before me. Whether or not others want to acknowledge or affirm it, it is before me. I cannot run from it. I cannot surrender - at least not if I hope to emerge a victor. God walks before me and with me into the fray. I am certain that I am on the path He has set before me, and if I am certain of that, why do allow doubts and fears to assail me? Why do I let the opinions of others sway me? Why do I not see my worth?
I told T today that I am coming to the place where I can see that I have beauty. I am beautiful. I have always compared myself to my sister, always falling short of her beauty and today I looked at a picture of us as children and realized that in many ways, I am more beautiful than my sister. What a hard thing to acknowledge, to admit. Others have said it, but I've never believed them. God is opening my eyes to my own physical beauty. That is amazing to me. It is a little surreal and it feels a little vain/conceited. Yet, it is necessary for me to see who I am. God sees me as beautiful and He is showing me how He sees me. It is a step toward healing. BUT. I also told T that I don't see how I am captivating. I have this fear that if people look too deep within me they will not find beauty inside. I don't feel like I captivate people. I have been ignored, neglected, pushed aside, overlooked and rejected for so many years that I find it hard to believe I can capture someone's attention and hold it. What do I have to share? I feel hollow, empty. That's what I'm afraid people will find if they look too deeply, they will find nothing. A hollow space.
How do I find the truth? How do I get past my perception of how others see me? I'll work on it and get back to you when I find some answers. I need to get my heart and my head to agree. That is easier said than done though.
I am a free woman who loves and accepts others just for who they are.... Is that enough?