They say "time heals all wounds". It's true, however we often desire it to take less time that it actually does. I have subscribed to emails from "DivorceCare" and I get a daily email from them about the path that divorce takes us on. Day 29 is stuck in my head today.
It talks about expecting too much progress too quickly. I do this. I do this very often. In fact, now, 5 years after the death of my sister and brother-in-law, I am finally realizing that I have dealt with her death. I have healed from the pain of that time. Not completely, and I will always miss her, but the pain is beginning to dissipate. It is easier to think of her and talk of her without crying. It's taken a long time. 5+ years. I wanted it to be sooner, oh - forget that - I wanted it to never have happened. I still wish it had never happened, but it did and 5 years later I am beginning to feel as if I am healing.
It is a good realization. For so long I have felt and been told that I have not faced the agony of her death, I have not healed from the pain of it, that it is governing my emotions and decisions. The truth is that the story of my sisters death is a part of who I am. I cannot walk away from that anymore than I can walk away from being "Marie's daughter". It is a part of my identity, my history, my experiences and we are all partially defined by those and by how we chose to react and allow them to change us. It does not control me, it opens my eyes to the dangers of certain behaviors and provides me a unique opportunity to make decisions based on that experience. Not by creatively making up situations and circumstance, but by seeing them for what they truly are.
I am healing from Angela's death. I am beginning to heal from the decision to end my marriage and get a divorce. I need to remember that it will take time. I must remember that people may see my actions and decisions and misinterpret them. It is only God who truly sees my heart. It is His path that I am following and that is all I want. To follow His path, wherever it may lead. The pain of today is far less than the pain that could have been; it is far less than the pain of yesterday, and the pain of tomorrow will be less than the pain of today.
Keep dancing with me!