Attacked

I received an email directed at a specific community I am a part of yesterday that stunned me with a venomous attack on children. I chose to exercise my new assertiveness and replied to the email, expressing my agreement and concern about the initial cause for this person to be upset. I also expressed my concern that the attack which accompanied her concern was unnecessary and over the top. In reply, I was told that one of my children was one of the horrid children, but only in my presence, when I'm not around, he's a perfect model of civility.

I'm stunned. I am choosing to not engage in an argument with her. Her perception is her perception, however it hurts. I'm struggling to not let the opinions of others affect who I am and how I approach the world, but I also tend to take out the attack, the negative feedback and closely look at it to see if it is true. Sadly, I often just assume that they are right and I must be doing something wrong. This morning I feel as if my parenting skills are grossly lacking because of this woman's shared perception.

I am insulted. I am stunned. An email about her approach to our shared community has become an attack against me and my parenting skills, also bringing into the picture my ex-husband as "he is my parenting partner". I've struggled with this person for a while, but now has come a time to make a decision. I have asked her to no longer communicate with me. I had already decided to not return to that church, she has dried the cement on that post.

It is sad that one person can permeate a room and ruin the entire experience. I am not saying she is the reason I chose not to return to that church, there is more to it than that, but she is a large part of the reason.

There is a blessing in this too. I have power over this too, in Jesus name. He has not abandoned me and He is laughing and dancing with me over this beautiful opportunity to practice my new assertiveness. :)

It's a delightful dance this morning.

Invisible Injuries

This week I dropped a TV while trying to plug in the cable... The good news is that I broke its fall.  LOL Sadly, my foot did not appreciate this attempt and began to hurt so bad I could walk. Fortunately, I did not break any bones but rather "just" bruised the bone.

Why am I telling you this? All my life, most of my injuries have been invisible. It always seems that no one realizes I am injured or if they can see it, they don't believe it's as painful or as bad as I say. I have a high pain threshold, and don't complain easily, perhaps that is why my injuries seem to be invisible to others. The one time I broke a bone, they didn't put a cast on it. The one time I wore a cast people thought I was faking it. Can't win for losing.

I feel invisible. I feel like I have to be invincible, like if I am not strong enough the world will fall apart. My world will fall apart. Will it? Will I be loved if I am fallible? If I have a weakness, will I survive?

You won't catch me dancing until my foot heals, but you can't see my heart, I'll be dancing there. :)

Found my Theme Song!

I've found my theme song!!! It just makes you want to dance! You can listen here: Move by Mercy Me (Youtube); Lyrics are at: MOVE LYRICS - MERCYME

God is so amazing, you know. He just picks me up where I am and takes off with me. I got the privilege of going to Strathmore with a good friend of mine today and we enjoyed conversation all the way there, and then took separate vehicles back to Calgary. I turned on the radio and all these songs of moving ahead, stepping forward, NOT standing still just seemed to be playing.

This is the time of year that parents are looking to school starting, I'm looking at school starting! I'm registering the boys in all sorts of classes, A is even going into Kindergarten for the first time this year!!! Wow! It's hard to believe my littlest is ready to start Kindergarten, and even more daunting to realize I am sending him to school for it, when it has always been my dream to homeschool.

Reality is... I'm a single Mom. I love homeschooling! It's amazing for me and for the boys, opening all kinds of doors that would otherwise remain closed to them. But, I have to live in reality. I'm going to keep homeschooling C this year. He's not his brother, he's not ready for a school environment, at least not a school that I can afford and get him in this year... so I work towards getting him in the school I want to get him in for next year and make sure I get him help where needed and time to focus one on one with me. So... Tuesday and Thursday are school days for both boys. And then there's the extracurricular activities! LOL It's going to be a fun year. I'm excited about all we have planned and are going to accomplish.

God's got it all in His hands though and I'm okay if He throws some curve balls at me along the way. :) Mostly because His curve balls are ones that aren't going to take me out of the game.

Keep dancing, because even though I might bend in the dips, I'll stand back up. Because things are going to change - and with God in control - for the better... no matter how long it may take when seen through my perspective.

I'm gonna keep dancing through the game, letting Him lead and see where I end up. I'm taking chances, making plans, coming alive. Want to watch the show? I think it's going to be an amazing one!

I am Okay

I've been feeling so tired lately that I feel as if it is almost more than I can do to put one step in front of the other. It made me feel that life was too much to accomplish, that all the things I needed to do were just overwhelming. If I was near a bed, I laid down, my eyes desiring to close whenever I stopped moving or didn't have to pay attention to the next three steps. Feeling like I was constantly moving up hill, putting one dragging foot in front of the other, not wanting to look up to see how much farther I had to go, then suddenly realizing I had made it to the top. I can do this!

So, I made a decision recently and booked an appointment with the doctor. It makes me want to laugh because that simple step assured me that I was not going out of my mind or imagining what ails me. See, so many people assume that because you are going through a rough time in life, you must be depressed and all physical ailments come from that. The truth is, despite whether or not I am depressed or any other mental anguish, I can still get sick. It doesn't have to follow that one leads to the other if I am taking care of myself. Exhaustion is not solely a sign of depression, it's actually a sign of illness too.

So, I took my thoroughly exhausted self to the doctor and discovered already that my iron levels are low. No wonder I'm tired!! I border anemia generally, so to find out it is low does not surprise me greatly and I always get tired when it's low... Why didn't I figure it out? Doesn't matter, I'm not going to beat myself up over it!

The other thing I realized? I am okay. My mental health is not worsening, it's improving! I am not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I'm just me. I am making good decisions, I think clearly and I am taking care of life as far as possible. Despite my exhaustion I am even keeping on top of most things. I do need to learn to ask for help, and to accept myself for who I am. I'm going to stop second guessing where God has called me. I'm going to stop doubting my ability to make wise decisions. I am going to start trusting myself.

I can dance. Some days it may just be a slow weave through the day and others it will be a full out jump around, spin and twist. Both are okay! :)

Phew!

Dancing Again!

God reaches us in the most unusual places, in the most expected scenes, in the strangest occurrences.

We just passed a fabulous, delightful five days at Pine Lake Christian Camp with Rainbows Camp. Rainbows is a program I took the boys to this past spring to help our family heal from all the changes happening in our lives. It was a great program, I plan to go back and do some of the different courses offered to adults and put the boys through the Rainbow Program again (at Bow Valley Christian Church). Only families who go through the Rainbows course can attend Rainbows Camp, so we signed ourselves up, not knowing what we were getting in for, it sounded like a fun week, and the ability to reconnect with those in our groups.

Honestly, I didn't want to go. I wanted to hide myself. I felt anxiety rising in me as we drove out there on Friday, and getting lost didn't help matters!! But, we got there and got registered & fed, settled into the cabin and started in with activities. It's a peaceful setting, right on the lake, well-cared for grounds, beautiful cabin and room mates that I knew! That's a great start! With A's allergy list, we were in the cabin with a kitchen so I could make meals he could eat, but all I needed to do was supplement for him so I used the fridge and not much else there, and one meal on the stove. That was delightful!!! There was so little for me to focus on by way of care taking, daytime planning, it was really nice! Very relaxing and refreshing!!

Sabbath we began our classes. I met some very nice people and made new friends but by the time afternoon came along, I wanted to SLEEP!! A, however, wanted the beach and, since he's 4, I had to be with him. Another lady came and offered to watch him so I could have my alone time and that set the stage for the rest of the week. It also brought me to tears because I Needed that alone time! (and the nap!!) I slept for the full hour and a half, waking only when the bell rang to remind parents to get their kids. What a treat for me.

Every day we had group sessions, family time, free time, separate parent/child recreation & rest time. It was so well planned to give the parents a break, to incorporate play time and just to allow us to enjoy being who we are without the everyday stresses of life.

I learned archery with my boys, we went on a nature walk together, we played together, I got to talk with other single parents sharing ideas, joys and struggles, we did the slippery slide - yes even me!!! Although... the concussion wasn't too much fun... LOL I had a blast anyway and will do it again! (C told me I can't however!) The concussion gave me a forced day of rest that I would have otherwise played away. We played at the beach, we sang at the camp fire, we shared our talents at the talent show, watched a movie together, slept in past 8 most mornings (unheard of for my boys!)

I came away refreshed, rejuvenated, energized! Am I ready to tackle the world? Maybe. LOL I could have used another week there. Next year, I'll plan for two weeks!!

Oh, and we danced!!! :) boy did we dance!!! I even got candy for some of my moves. :D