Thursday, August 11, 2011

I am Okay

I've been feeling so tired lately that I feel as if it is almost more than I can do to put one step in front of the other. It made me feel that life was too much to accomplish, that all the things I needed to do were just overwhelming. If I was near a bed, I laid down, my eyes desiring to close whenever I stopped moving or didn't have to pay attention to the next three steps. Feeling like I was constantly moving up hill, putting one dragging foot in front of the other, not wanting to look up to see how much farther I had to go, then suddenly realizing I had made it to the top. I can do this!

So, I made a decision recently and booked an appointment with the doctor. It makes me want to laugh because that simple step assured me that I was not going out of my mind or imagining what ails me. See, so many people assume that because you are going through a rough time in life, you must be depressed and all physical ailments come from that. The truth is, despite whether or not I am depressed or any other mental anguish, I can still get sick. It doesn't have to follow that one leads to the other if I am taking care of myself. Exhaustion is not solely a sign of depression, it's actually a sign of illness too.

So, I took my thoroughly exhausted self to the doctor and discovered already that my iron levels are low. No wonder I'm tired!! I border anemia generally, so to find out it is low does not surprise me greatly and I always get tired when it's low... Why didn't I figure it out? Doesn't matter, I'm not going to beat myself up over it!

The other thing I realized? I am okay. My mental health is not worsening, it's improving! I am not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I'm just me. I am making good decisions, I think clearly and I am taking care of life as far as possible. Despite my exhaustion I am even keeping on top of most things. I do need to learn to ask for help, and to accept myself for who I am. I'm going to stop second guessing where God has called me. I'm going to stop doubting my ability to make wise decisions. I am going to start trusting myself.

I can dance. Some days it may just be a slow weave through the day and others it will be a full out jump around, spin and twist. Both are okay! :)


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