I am fraught with anxiety lately. This is not my normal me, I have not felt anxious about life for many years... until my marriage broke up anyway. Suddenly, I fear normal things. My heart pounds in my chest, I struggle to breathe and, when I can't catch my breath, my chest begins to hurt and I know I'm reaching a breaking point. Why, when I have avoided excess worry and anxiety all of my life, is this starting now? I'm in my 40's, I should have the world by the tail and sitting pretty. Instead, I'm sitting tired and afraid.
Am I lacking in my faith in God? I am struggling, for the first time in my life to trust Him and I feel guilty about that. He who has carried me through much worse things; He who has sustained me when no one else was there; He who saved my life, eternally and temporally; He who continues to strengthen me even today when I struggle to belief He is doing it; He who protects me in very obvious ways... how can I be in doubt of Him, His love for me, His care, His protection?
I'm discovering I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I don't want to have PTSD. LOL I guess life is catching up with me. Where do I go from here? I feel powerless. I feel hopeless. I feel joyless. Yet, I DO feel. Maybe that is the positive change I am seeing. For so many years, I felt nothing at all. In an effort to feel, there were times I made foolish, stupid decisions. In an effort to feel, to LOOK like I was feeling, I made head decisions that the heart should have been helping out with. As I begin to feel, I am afraid of those feelings. I am afraid of the memories, of the pain in the past, of the pain in the future. I'm not sure what scares me more. The memories resurfacing, the haunting and imaginations of the past, or the fear that the present cannot or will not be better.
I don't like living in fear. Ha. Who does?! How can I break free of these chains that slow my feet from dancing in full joy? I will not go down without a fight. I will not allow these memories and fears to break my soul. I will keep dancing and even though it feels like I'm dancing in a bog, sluggish and slow - I WILL NOT STOP.
Will you reach out your hand to the person struggling at your side and help pull them free of their bog in order to dance with you until they find their own music? Who can you reach out to today and show that you care? That one voice of caring through the dark moment may save their lives.