My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts, actually, not really thoughts, more like feelings, emotions swirling through my heart, my brain. I am not even sure I know how to slow them down enough to identify them, I am not sure I even want to.
What happens if I slow down? What happens if I take the time to carefully look inside to see the pain, angst and emotion swirling through my system? I'm afraid. I realize that. It is my fear of myself that is the worst. My fear of second guessing me, my fear of falling apart.
I've made some big decisions in the past 3 years. I've set some boundaries that are pretty big for me to have set. I am realizing things about me I don't like, things I do like, but most of all I am afraid I am not enough, will never be enough, can not be enough. I fear all those stories spoken to me in my childhood are true, all those messages telling me I have no value are based in the reality of who I am.
Who am I to step outside of abuse? Who am I to break that cycle? Who am I???
I do not do this for me. I do this for my children because they are so full of value that it is immeasurable! I will stand strong to protect them from as much of the abuse and pain of life as I possibly can. Where I cannot protect, I must place them in God`s capable, willing hands to protect and heal the wounds that could not be stopped.
Knowing that I do this for my children though is not always enough. How can I teach them the dance steps of joy if I do not know them myself? How can I teach them to dance in the right direction if my feet keep getting tangled up in the moves?
How do I know if I'm dancing to the right music? How do I know if I'm dancing wrong?