I do a lot of thinking when I'm driving and I remember one day back in late 2009, November or December, when I was contemplating my life in comparison with the life of Christ. See, I was realizing that I was in an abusive marriage and, given my history of abusive relationships from childhood onward, I was thinking that perhaps my role in life, my lot, God's will for my life was for me to suffer abuse until His return. That He needed me to be abused in order to show others that abuse is not a reason to turn from Him. As I was thinking these thoughts, as my thoughts started to turn into a decision that it was okay to stay in an abusive marriage because just maybe that was where I belonged, my God spoke to me. It was not an audible voice as we often think it is, but it was a turning of my thoughts.
God reminded me that Christ did not allow Himself to suffer abuse until His last days, until the day when it was time for His Sacrifice to be completed. God asked me what my sacrifice would accomplish, who it would save. I realized that I am not a saviour. If Christ was protected and walked away from every abuse, every attempt to harm Him physically, refused every verbal assault by refusing to engage or stay in that space, then who was I to decide I belonged in such an environment? My sacrifice may be required when it is time to stand up for Christ... Each of His disciples were murdered when they refused to deny Him, when they refused to stop speaking to others of His power and love, but living in an abusive relationship does not honour Christ. Rather, it brings Him dishonour. How conceited must I be to put myself and my suffering on an equal standing with Christ's? How big a misconception is it to think that abuse, of any kind, is on an equal footing with Christ's unimaginable choosing to sacrifice His life to save mine, yours?
I have been passionate about decrying the common belief that everything that happens to us is God's will for our lives. I strongly and firmly believe that the only will God has for our lives is for good. We live in a sinful world, and sinful, evil, horrible things happen here, but God's will is to take those awful things and twist them, turn them into something that can be used for good, for blessings. It is not His will to see any of His children hurt, suffering and definitely not abused.
It was in that moment, in those few short minutes when God revealed to me the flaw in my argument and His great desire for me to be free of abuse, that He told me to leave. I was getting ready to stick it out, to stay despite everything and God said NO. That was not my lot in life. It was not His plan for my life, He wants me free from oppression and free from abuse.
I wasn't ready to go. I didn't know how to make plans to go, it seemed impossible for me, an stay-at-home mom with no income to leave with my boys. I didn't pack a bag, I didn't collect important paperwork or documentation, I didn't do anything that would have enabled me to leave at a moment`s notice, I thought I still had time... and I was probably still living in a bit of denial. When the last straw fell, when the moment arrived, I did what I could. Some days I look back and wish that I had waited a day or two after the moment, that I had left when he was at work, or just slipped the kids into the van when he wasn't paying attention, but I cannot go back to change the past. What I can do is help others to make better preparations and decisions.
If you are in a similar place, if you are feeling like you are getting what you deserve, that God has planned this for your life, please know it is a lie from Satan. The only one who desires to see us hurt is our enemy, not our Lover. Seek truth, seek Him and you will find freedom. Please, reach out for help. Contact me, I can listen, cry and pray with you. If you need more, I can direct you to resources and help you find what you need.
May you see God's blessings today and dance with Him in His dance of Love, Peace and Freedom.