I used to have a waking dream whenever I closed my eyes. I would suddenly be on this vast expanse of white sand, stretching as far as the eye can see, feeling as small as one of the grains of sand I was staring at. It was a terrifying feeling... the feeling that I was all alone, insignificant, lost and unimportant. It would keep me awake for hours, scared to close my eyes again. It used to happen a lot, though nowadays it is extremely rare and it doesn't keep me awake anymore, though I still wonder at what it means.
I've been afraid to dream my whole life. Dreams were dangerous because they so rarely came true. I could wish for, and want, and work for something only to have it repeatedly snatched from under my feet at the last minute - or to have it refused me before I could even explore the option. It was a lesson I learned young, some I never gave up on. My desire to sing, my dream to be good enough to be asked to perform in important places, for important audiences, I still dream that. I still dream of someday making a CD. Though I also wonder if that will ever become a reality for me. Is it a realistic dream? Am I good enough? Would anyone even be interested?
I had other dreams, dreams that, despite the childhood abuses, despite bad examples, I clung to for all I was worth. In fact, the only dream (besides singing) that I clung to as a child was to be a mother and a wife. I desperately wanted that! So badly that I sometimes compromised my values and myself in my search for it. I learned that fulfillment of a dream is not worth sacrificing yourself in order to achieve it. That is the lesson I learned along the way of seeing my dream of a family come to fruition.
I need to place my dreams in God's hands... yet I fear placing them in His hands because what if He, too, says "no". What if my dreams are not His plans? What if there is no great battle for me to fight? No great victory for me to win? What if I am insignificant?
Is it egotistical to desire to do something great in life? To accomplish a great work? To mean something? To have my life be meaningful to more than just my intimate circle of friends and family? Who am I to desire to be something great?
I have dreams. I'm beginning to recognize them, to dream them, to give them voice and to desire to work towards them. They terrify me. I`m afraid of being hurt by them, of being rejected by God because of them. I`m afraid of overstepping my bounds, of asking for more than I deserve and yet... if I don't ask, I won't receive. If I don't step out in faith towards my dreams they will never be fulfilled. I must face the fear, I must beat it down like my sons beat down the Lego enemies on their Xbox game and walk past it to face the adventure, the journey to my future... whether my specific dreams are fulfilled or not. What is life without an adventure?
I may be scared of the dance, but it's time to weave some dreams into the music.