Loving

I am coming alive in my heart. It is a scary thing to do, because along with the coming alive, I am realizing that I want to love again, I want to be loved.... My dream of a family has not been killed, it is alive and well, and if I am to dream again, I must be honest with myself and with others that my dream of being part of a family, a husband, continues.

I'm scared to love again. My track record has not been a great one with dating. Even when I think I have chosen well, I mess up. I thought my husband was a gentle person, I chose him because he was gentle, the least likely to hurt anyone, let alone me or my children. I was wrong. What happens if I'm wrong again? What if I miss the signs, what if I let my heart speak instead of my head?

I guess that is why I am adamant about education this time. I am insisting on making sure I learn the warning signs, that I have friends to keep me accountable because I choose to no longer live in abuse. I choose to live healthy and free... that means that I must choose better, and if I make a mistake, I pray I will recognize it and move out of it before it's too late, before it's dangerous. The challenge then is not to avoid abuse, but to recognize reality from abuse. To recognize normal human behaviour and mistakes in others that will happen. I cannot and will not expect perfection.

There's a fine line to walk. I must pray for discernment if I am to dance in love again.