Heart of the Matter

Lately the tears are striking at every opportune moment... and some inopportune moments. I lay down to sleep, close my eyes and start crying. I will be washing dishes and start crying. A friend says something (even something nice) and.... I start crying. Someone does something nice for me and, guess what... I start crying.

God and I had a pretty intense conversation all day yesterday that culminated in a Facebook friend phoning me with a message from him. She spoke 2 sentences and... yep... I started crying - bawling actually, I even missed part of the message I was crying so hard. I realize they are healthy, healing tears, but it can get quite annoying... and tiring. As I lay in my bed (crying) last night, I was complaining to God about it and it was almost as if He said "It's okay. I'm catching your tears in My bottle. They are not wasted or unseen."

It's been a week of realizing how I feel about myself, what my fears for my future are, and new memories of the past. It was a day of God loving me, of telling me that how I feel about myself is not how He feels about me. It was a day of Him wanting to change my perception... and me fighting the process. Are you SURE? Is it even possible for You to love me like that? To want good for me?

Funny how we question God. Funny how it's so easy to accept the lies that we are unlovable or valueless. Funny how it's hard to believe those might be lies. What do I do, how does it change who I am to accept that God's love is sufficient for me? More than that, that God's love is MEANT for me? Why am I afraid that I will become conceited and arrogant if I accept God's view of me?

Therein lies the heart of the matter. I have been taught that feeling good about oneself is wrong, prideful... inherently evil. Yet, if God is giving the message, how can it be evil or wrong? He seeks a humble heart, one that is not puffed up with itself. Is doubting my worth, is holding onto MY view of me being puffed up with myself? Is the very act of doubting the value and love He holds for me an expression of pride and conceit? Is it possible that the "humbleness" that we equate with low self-esteem is actually the exact opposite?