Angela's Story

My sister would have turned 43 this week. Even today I am stunned that she is not here to celebrate it, I always thought we would have many more years together, to grow our relationship, to share our joys and sorrows.

Why isn't she here? The violence and suddenness of the day she was taken away from us still stuns me.

On December 22, 2005 I was preparing for Christmas, doing some housekeeping and dancing to "Six White Boomers" with my almost 2 year old son when a police officer showed up at the door. To be honest, I didn't even think anything of it, there were some ladies with him and I thought, weirdly, that they were there to give us a Christmas Food Hamper. I quickly realized they weren't when the ladies took my son to the living room giving the officer and I privacy. My mother was on holiday in the mountains and my first thought went to her, when the officer told me what had happened I didn't want to believe it. To say I was stunned is an understatement.

Angela's marriage had fallen apart. They had separated for a short time in November, reconciling for the children's sake and because he had promised change. Of course, when they got back together she discovered the change was only surface and knew that the marriage could not continue. She planned to ask him to leave again after the Christmas holidays.

I don't know what his trigger was that night. I don't know if he planned it or simply lost it. The night before my visit from the officers, without warning, without the major red flags that usually accompany death by domestic violence, my sister's husband beat her to death.

He had been verbally and emotionally abusive for years, but she told me only a few days before her death that he had never hit her. He had insulted her, exhibited extreme jealousy every time she had a friendly interaction with another man, demeaned her, criticized her and talked badly about her. He had discouraged her friendships, broken up friendships, and restricted her access to family. I had encouraged her to make a safety plan, to protect herself but she didn't feel she had a need to, she didn't perceive any danger to herself or the children from him.

After she was dead, my brother-in-law phoned a friend of theirs to tell them what he had done and asked them to come get the kids, telling them he planned to kill himself next. He left her body lying in front of the door in the house, went to the shed and shot himself. The friends, wisely, called the police and they waited, not knowing who, if anyone, was alive. Knowing he had guns, they had to be cautious so they didn't become the next targets. When the children finally answered the phone at 8 am, there was great relief to know they, at least, were alive. I can't imagine the horror they must have felt when they had to step over their mother's body to leave the home.

Over time, more details would come more to light, showing the horror and pain my sister went through that terrible night. My passion is to help other abused women realize the danger they are in before it is too late. To make it clear that it doesn't matter the form of domestic violence, it is dangerous and life threatening.

Freedom is within reach. You too deserve to be treated with respect, with courtesy. You deserve to be loved, not hurt. If you are in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to reach out for help immediately! Call the Distress Line (in Calgary it is: 403-234-7233), see a counselor. No matter the type of abuse, or how "bad" you perceive it to be, make a safety plan, have an escape route. Above all, do not remain silent. Silence holds you captive to your abuser, it is only when we start to speak up that we can become free, that abuse can be stopped.

Are you uncertain if your partner is abusive? You can check out this webpage to assess your situation. http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/. If you find this to describe you, please reach out for help! You are worth it!!

I won't stop dancing because in dancing I find freedom. In dancing, I show that I am still alive. Won't you dance with me?

Spinning

My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts, actually, not really thoughts, more like feelings, emotions swirling through my heart, my brain. I am not even sure I know how to slow them down enough to identify them, I am not sure I even want to.

What happens if I slow down? What happens if I take the time to carefully look inside to see the pain, angst and emotion swirling through my system? I'm afraid. I realize that. It is my fear of myself that is the worst. My fear of second guessing me, my fear of falling apart.

I've made some big decisions in the past 3 years. I've set some boundaries that are pretty big for me to have set. I am realizing things about me I don't like, things I do like, but most of all I am afraid I am not enough, will never be enough, can not be enough. I fear all those stories spoken to me in my childhood are true, all those messages telling me I have no value are based in the reality of who I am.

Who am I to step outside of abuse? Who am I to break that cycle? Who am I???

I do not do this for me. I do this for my children because they are so full of value that it is immeasurable! I will stand strong to protect them from as much of the abuse and pain of life as I possibly can. Where I cannot protect, I must place them in God`s capable, willing hands to protect and heal the wounds that could not be stopped.

Knowing that I do this for my children though is not always enough. How can I teach them the dance steps of joy if I do not know them myself? How can I teach them to dance in the right direction if my feet keep getting tangled up in the moves?

How do I know if I'm dancing to the right music? How do I know if I'm dancing wrong?

Anxiety Anyone?

I am fraught with anxiety lately. This is not my normal me, I have not felt anxious about life for many years... until my marriage broke up anyway. Suddenly, I fear normal things. My heart pounds in my chest, I struggle to breathe and, when I can't catch my breath, my chest begins to hurt and I know I'm reaching a breaking point. Why, when I have avoided excess worry and anxiety all of my life, is this starting now? I'm in my 40's, I should have the world by the tail and sitting pretty. Instead, I'm sitting tired and afraid.

Am I lacking in my faith in God? I am struggling, for the first time in my life to trust Him and I feel guilty about that. He who has carried me through much worse things; He who has sustained me when no one else was there; He who saved my life, eternally and temporally; He who continues to strengthen me even today when I struggle to belief He is doing it; He who protects me in very obvious ways... how can I be in doubt of Him, His love for me, His care, His protection?

I'm discovering I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I don't want to have PTSD. LOL I guess life is catching up with me. Where do I go from here? I feel powerless. I feel hopeless. I feel joyless. Yet, I DO feel. Maybe that is the positive change I am seeing. For so many years, I felt nothing at all. In an effort to feel, there were times I made foolish, stupid decisions. In an effort to feel, to LOOK like I was feeling, I made head decisions that the heart should have been helping out with. As I  begin to feel, I am afraid of those feelings. I am afraid of the memories, of the pain in the past, of the pain in the future. I'm not sure what scares me more. The memories resurfacing, the haunting and imaginations of the past, or the fear that the present cannot or will not be better.

I don't like living in fear. Ha. Who does?! How can I break free of these chains that slow my feet from dancing in full joy? I will not go down without a fight. I will not allow these memories and fears to break my soul. I will keep dancing and even though it feels like I'm dancing in a bog, sluggish and slow - I WILL NOT STOP.

Will you reach out your hand to the person struggling at your side and help pull them free of their bog in order to dance with you until they find their own music? Who can you reach out to today and show that you care? That one voice of caring through the dark moment may save their lives.

Trials & Testings

It is so easy to look at life and wonder why I am being bombarded by so many trials and testings; yet, what if I'm not? What if it only feels like I am being passed through the fire, pressed in the wine press or stretched through the trials? What if I'm not the one suffering the trials and testings at all?

Take for instance Job. If you haven't read that particular book of the Bible, I encourage you to do so, go ahead, I'll wait for you. :)

Job was under extreme trial. We know this because we have the "inside scoop", we know the background to the story, where Job fits into the underlying Spiritual battle. See, the reality is that our life is not as simple or black and white as it appears on the surface. Behind all the situations, beyond all the struggles is a spiritual war that our decisions have an effect in. Job shows us this. I don't want to talk about Job though, beyond pointing out that it was JOB that was being tried and tested.

The forgotten person in Job's story is his wife. The only thing we know about her is that she encourages Job at one point to "curse God and die", and often we judge her for that. Take a look around her though. Put yourself in her shoes. She has just lost all of her children, their entire life's work, savings, retirement plan, wealth and community status. She is grieving a grief that most cannot even begin to fathom. She is as depressed as Job is, perhaps more because her woman's heart is bleeding. But... it is not Mrs. Job that is being tested here. She is being hurt, she is being damaged, she is being tormented, but SHE is NOT being tested. Nowhere in the conversation between God and Satan is Mrs. Job discussed. Oh, it is bandied about that Satan didn't harm her because he knew she could help him with his attack on Job, given that she encourages Job to curse God; but what if it was more? See, God told Satan he could not attack Job himself at first, and then He told him he could not take Job's life. In God's eyes a married couple is "one person", maybe Mrs. Job was included in that protection. Maybe Satan left her alone for other reasons. We won't know this side of heaven - and perhaps not on the other since it is HER life, not ours we are discussing.

The point being that even though Job was on trial, Job was being tested, that test affected the lives of many others around him. A ripple effect if you will. Job's children certainly probably felt as if they were the ones being targeted, the servants - especially the few that survived, his friends and most definitely his wife; and those are only the ones we know about. A loss of wealth that great must have rippled through the community like a wildfire. The fear of attacks from bandits would be heightened, fear of freak storms, fear of the economy failing from the loss of such a major player to the economy. Everyone affected must have felt at some level as if it was them who was under attack, them who was being tried and tested, them who was targeted to be hurt.

What if what has happened in my life has not been directed at me? What if I am a ripple effect? Does it make my pain insignificant? Certainly not - no more than the pain Mrs. Job felt at losing all of her children in one moment would have been lessened by knowing that Job was the one targeted. Would she have been okay with the situation if she knew the big picture? Maybe marginally but she still would have hurt intensely! What if God is not doubting my faith? What if God is not testing my faith?

What if the trials and tribulations I face in life have absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone else? Does it make it easier to handle, easier to come to grips with? Maybe.

The spiritual warfare side of our lives does not seem to be something many people focus on. I think we need to at least be aware that it is there and that it underlines every action and reaction; every activity; everything that happens to us in our lives. Satan hates me. I have an enemy that will never reconsider his position, will never surrender, will never walk away. He has almost unlimited resources to fight this battle to it's bitter end. And, it will be a bitter end. The good news is that I do have unlimited resources to fight the battle. All I need to do is call on Jesus, because when I call on Jesus, ALL things are possible. (Call on Jesus)

The reality is that it doesn't matter if I am the target or the consequence of the trial, it's gonna hurt me. It changes my perspective to realize that I may not be the target however. I can encourage or I can discourage the intended target, I can build them up to realize they have the strength or I can cut them down and deepen the pit being dug for them, deepen their depression. That's my choice.

Do I let my pain stop me from dancing? Or do I realize that it is truly not all about me and keep dancing, if only to encourage those around me? They might be suffering worse than I, they might be the target, it might be their hearts Satan is seeking to destroy in this moment.

I'm going to keep dancing; I'm going to keep smiling. I choose to build up and not to tear down. What will you do?

Depression

Sometimes it feels as if the weight of the whole world is bearing down on my shoulders, like I cannot carry anymore. I feel guilty for that, guilty for hurting, guilty for not being strong enough. I should be strong enough. Falling apart is not an option, I have to keep my head about me, my wits about me, my faith should be strong enough to sustain me, to keep my head above water, to keep me from being weak, from hurting.

Why do I think I am exempt from hurting? Just like everyone else, I live here, I get to suffer the consequences of living in a sinful world, of rebelling against God.  I was reading Job the other day and when I got to chapter 3, it struck me that Job's cry out, his desire to have never been born was his expression of his pain, of his deep depression, yet God never condemned him for that. In fact, Job was commended because through it all "he sinned not". Job did not sin by being depressed, by hurting, nor by expressing that pain and hurt.

When I cry out in pain, that is my honest expression of emotion, it is not sinful to say "I am hurting", or "I am depressed". I am normal, I am okay. I may be hurting, but my depression, pain and emotions are not necessarily sinning against God. They are honest, God given emotions. What I do with them, how I express them, decides if I sin or not.

Maybe it's okay if I slow down the dance. Maybe it's okay if I take the time to slow dance for a bit and just cry on His shoulders when I need to. No matter how we dance, as long as I let Christ lead, it will be a beautiful journey.

Heaven

 I was having a rough day last week and was just crying and praying for Jesus to come back and I thought of the theory that He is giving everyone a chance to be saved first. The parable of the Lost Sheep makes it very clear, He will leave the 99 to hunt for the 1 lost soul.

I don't know how He can watch the pain and suffering we go through and not rush back here to stop it. Then I thought "What if it was MY son He was waiting for?" Would it change my passion, my desire for His return?

I guess it comes down to, maybe it's time I started hunting down that 1 with Him, helping Him seek and save that which is lost, not that I have the power to save any souls, only the Holy Spirit can do that.

Could you imagine if each of us just chose to pursue ONE soul, to passionately intercede with God on their behalf. To dance towards them, inviting them to join us?

I guess it's time to take that leap of faith, to DO what God has called me to do. To help Him show His love to others so He can call them to Himself and finally take us Home where we belong.

Will you dance with me?

Birthdays and Memories

I have made an agreement with myself that I will save my deepest grief for my siblings birthdays. That doesn't mean I don't miss them other days, it just means that I recognize my need to keep living life, to take care of myself and my children, my friends, my  mother, the living the other days of the year. I could easily be swallowed up by the grief of missing my brother and sister. Some of you know what I mean. To have your best friends violently torn away from you, to have those who best understand you and where you come from suddenly vanished from your life. It hurts.

Today is Angela's birthday. She would have been 42 today. She would have been enjoying her children, watching her eldest learn how to drive, teaching him how to drive, helping them through the pitfalls of high school & junior high. Instead, they are fighting their way through the darkness of their own grief and loss. We would have been sharing the pitfalls and joys of parenting, visiting each other once or twice a year, perchance even living close together again.

I miss talking with her. I miss our daily phone calls, her wisdom, her assertiveness, her humour, her no-nonsense take on life. We were so dissimilar, yet we were a match. I still have days when I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her something. It's been almost 6 years... will this pain end?

That's why I save it for her birthday. She died too close to Christmas to save it for that day, Christmas is still hard, but I need to leave my grief for a time when it won't ruin the joy for others. It took me a long time to dance with my children after she died because that's what I was doing when the police showed up at my door, I was dancing with Charlie to "The Six White Boomers".

My beautiful sister. Her death has saved lives, and will continue to save lives. I see that. I have a mission that partly arises from her story. I am left to tell her story, to share with others of her beautiful life, too quickly gone. There are women who have left their abusive marriages and relationships before they too ended up dead, women who had already left who were thinking of going back but stayed out because my sister didn't get out, women who didn't think verbal & emotional abuse was dangerous until they realized that was all my sister suffered at the hands of her husband until the fateful night when he killed her.

God takes the horrific, terrible events of this world and He turns them into beauty. He cannot change that it was terrible, He cannot change that it causes untold grief and pain, but He will take it and turn it and twist it until something good comes out of it, until it works out for His glory. Nothing in this world is untouched by God's hand, and when God's hand touches something it is changed for the better.

My sister's life was touched by God's hand. At the very end, she confessed Him as her Saviour and because of that I look forward to catching up with her all the way to heaven. She'll get to enjoy her children again, marvel in how well they did, I'll get to introduce her to my boys and we'll never be separated again. That is a day worth looking forward to, worth rejoicing in.

Here on this earth, I will fulfill the mission that God has given me. I will tell her story and my own until God has weaved together a tapestry of saved lives so beautiful that no darkness can hide it or destroy it again.

I'm going to keep dancing. Sometimes tears flow down my cheeks, but I'm not going to stop moving my feet.

May God bless you. May His love sustain you in your moments of grief. Thanks for listening.