It is so easy to look at life and wonder why I am being bombarded by so many trials and testings; yet, what if I'm not? What if it only feels like I am being passed through the fire, pressed in the wine press or stretched through the trials? What if I'm not the one suffering the trials and testings at all?
Take for instance Job. If you haven't read that particular book of the Bible, I encourage you to do so, go ahead, I'll wait for you. :)
Job was under extreme trial. We know this because we have the "inside scoop", we know the background to the story, where Job fits into the underlying Spiritual battle. See, the reality is that our life is not as simple or black and white as it appears on the surface. Behind all the situations, beyond all the struggles is a spiritual war that our decisions have an effect in. Job shows us this. I don't want to talk about Job though, beyond pointing out that it was JOB that was being tried and tested.
The forgotten person in Job's story is his wife. The only thing we know about her is that she encourages Job at one point to "curse God and die", and often we judge her for that. Take a look around her though. Put yourself in her shoes. She has just lost all of her children, their entire life's work, savings, retirement plan, wealth and community status. She is grieving a grief that most cannot even begin to fathom. She is as depressed as Job is, perhaps more because her woman's heart is bleeding. But... it is not Mrs. Job that is being tested here. She is being hurt, she is being damaged, she is being tormented, but SHE is NOT being tested. Nowhere in the conversation between God and Satan is Mrs. Job discussed. Oh, it is bandied about that Satan didn't harm her because he knew she could help him with his attack on Job, given that she encourages Job to curse God; but what if it was more? See, God told Satan he could not attack Job himself at first, and then He told him he could not take Job's life. In God's eyes a married couple is "one person", maybe Mrs. Job was included in that protection. Maybe Satan left her alone for other reasons. We won't know this side of heaven - and perhaps not on the other since it is HER life, not ours we are discussing.
The point being that even though Job was on trial, Job was being tested, that test affected the lives of many others around him. A ripple effect if you will. Job's children certainly probably felt as if they were the ones being targeted, the servants - especially the few that survived, his friends and most definitely his wife; and those are only the ones we know about. A loss of wealth that great must have rippled through the community like a wildfire. The fear of attacks from bandits would be heightened, fear of freak storms, fear of the economy failing from the loss of such a major player to the economy. Everyone affected must have felt at some level as if it was them who was under attack, them who was being tried and tested, them who was targeted to be hurt.
What if what has happened in my life has not been directed at me? What if I am a ripple effect? Does it make my pain insignificant? Certainly not - no more than the pain Mrs. Job felt at losing all of her children in one moment would have been lessened by knowing that Job was the one targeted. Would she have been okay with the situation if she knew the big picture? Maybe marginally but she still would have hurt intensely! What if God is not doubting my faith? What if God is not testing my faith?
What if the trials and tribulations I face in life have absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone else? Does it make it easier to handle, easier to come to grips with? Maybe.
The spiritual warfare side of our lives does not seem to be something many people focus on. I think we need to at least be aware that it is there and that it underlines every action and reaction; every activity; everything that happens to us in our lives. Satan hates me. I have an enemy that will never reconsider his position, will never surrender, will never walk away. He has almost unlimited resources to fight this battle to it's bitter end. And, it will be a bitter end. The good news is that I do have unlimited resources to fight the battle. All I need to do is call on Jesus, because when I call on Jesus, ALL things are possible. (Call on Jesus)
The reality is that it doesn't matter if I am the target or the consequence of the trial, it's gonna hurt me. It changes my perspective to realize that I may not be the target however. I can encourage or I can discourage the intended target, I can build them up to realize they have the strength or I can cut them down and deepen the pit being dug for them, deepen their depression. That's my choice.
Do I let my pain stop me from dancing? Or do I realize that it is truly not all about me and keep dancing, if only to encourage those around me? They might be suffering worse than I, they might be the target, it might be their hearts Satan is seeking to destroy in this moment.
I'm going to keep dancing; I'm going to keep smiling. I choose to build up and not to tear down. What will you do?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Depression
Sometimes it feels as if the weight of the whole world is bearing down on my shoulders, like I cannot carry anymore. I feel guilty for that, guilty for hurting, guilty for not being strong enough. I should be strong enough. Falling apart is not an option, I have to keep my head about me, my wits about me, my faith should be strong enough to sustain me, to keep my head above water, to keep me from being weak, from hurting.
Why do I think I am exempt from hurting? Just like everyone else, I live here, I get to suffer the consequences of living in a sinful world, of rebelling against God. I was reading Job the other day and when I got to chapter 3, it struck me that Job's cry out, his desire to have never been born was his expression of his pain, of his deep depression, yet God never condemned him for that. In fact, Job was commended because through it all "he sinned not". Job did not sin by being depressed, by hurting, nor by expressing that pain and hurt.
When I cry out in pain, that is my honest expression of emotion, it is not sinful to say "I am hurting", or "I am depressed". I am normal, I am okay. I may be hurting, but my depression, pain and emotions are not necessarily sinning against God. They are honest, God given emotions. What I do with them, how I express them, decides if I sin or not.
Maybe it's okay if I slow down the dance. Maybe it's okay if I take the time to slow dance for a bit and just cry on His shoulders when I need to. No matter how we dance, as long as I let Christ lead, it will be a beautiful journey.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Heaven
I was having a rough day last week and was just crying and praying for Jesus to come back and I thought of the theory that He is giving everyone a chance to be saved first. The parable of the Lost Sheep makes it very clear, He will leave the 99 to hunt for the 1 lost soul.
I don't know how He can watch the pain and suffering we go through and not rush back here to stop it. Then I thought "What if it was MY son He was waiting for?" Would it change my passion, my desire for His return?
I guess it comes down to, maybe it's time I started hunting down that 1 with Him, helping Him seek and save that which is lost, not that I have the power to save any souls, only the Holy Spirit can do that.
Could you imagine if each of us just chose to pursue ONE soul, to passionately intercede with God on their behalf. To dance towards them, inviting them to join us?
I guess it's time to take that leap of faith, to DO what God has called me to do. To help Him show His love to others so He can call them to Himself and finally take us Home where we belong.
Will you dance with me?
I don't know how He can watch the pain and suffering we go through and not rush back here to stop it. Then I thought "What if it was MY son He was waiting for?" Would it change my passion, my desire for His return?
I guess it comes down to, maybe it's time I started hunting down that 1 with Him, helping Him seek and save that which is lost, not that I have the power to save any souls, only the Holy Spirit can do that.
Could you imagine if each of us just chose to pursue ONE soul, to passionately intercede with God on their behalf. To dance towards them, inviting them to join us?
I guess it's time to take that leap of faith, to DO what God has called me to do. To help Him show His love to others so He can call them to Himself and finally take us Home where we belong.
Will you dance with me?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Birthdays and Memories
I have made an agreement with myself that I will save my deepest grief for my siblings birthdays. That doesn't mean I don't miss them other days, it just means that I recognize my need to keep living life, to take care of myself and my children, my friends, my mother, the living the other days of the year. I could easily be swallowed up by the grief of missing my brother and sister. Some of you know what I mean. To have your best friends violently torn away from you, to have those who best understand you and where you come from suddenly vanished from your life. It hurts.
Today is Angela's birthday. She would have been 42 today. She would have been enjoying her children, watching her eldest learn how to drive, teaching him how to drive, helping them through the pitfalls of high school & junior high. Instead, they are fighting their way through the darkness of their own grief and loss. We would have been sharing the pitfalls and joys of parenting, visiting each other once or twice a year, perchance even living close together again.
I miss talking with her. I miss our daily phone calls, her wisdom, her assertiveness, her humour, her no-nonsense take on life. We were so dissimilar, yet we were a match. I still have days when I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her something. It's been almost 6 years... will this pain end?
That's why I save it for her birthday. She died too close to Christmas to save it for that day, Christmas is still hard, but I need to leave my grief for a time when it won't ruin the joy for others. It took me a long time to dance with my children after she died because that's what I was doing when the police showed up at my door, I was dancing with Charlie to "The Six White Boomers".
My beautiful sister. Her death has saved lives, and will continue to save lives. I see that. I have a mission that partly arises from her story. I am left to tell her story, to share with others of her beautiful life, too quickly gone. There are women who have left their abusive marriages and relationships before they too ended up dead, women who had already left who were thinking of going back but stayed out because my sister didn't get out, women who didn't think verbal & emotional abuse was dangerous until they realized that was all my sister suffered at the hands of her husband until the fateful night when he killed her.
God takes the horrific, terrible events of this world and He turns them into beauty. He cannot change that it was terrible, He cannot change that it causes untold grief and pain, but He will take it and turn it and twist it until something good comes out of it, until it works out for His glory. Nothing in this world is untouched by God's hand, and when God's hand touches something it is changed for the better.
My sister's life was touched by God's hand. At the very end, she confessed Him as her Saviour and because of that I look forward to catching up with her all the way to heaven. She'll get to enjoy her children again, marvel in how well they did, I'll get to introduce her to my boys and we'll never be separated again. That is a day worth looking forward to, worth rejoicing in.
Here on this earth, I will fulfill the mission that God has given me. I will tell her story and my own until God has weaved together a tapestry of saved lives so beautiful that no darkness can hide it or destroy it again.
I'm going to keep dancing. Sometimes tears flow down my cheeks, but I'm not going to stop moving my feet.
May God bless you. May His love sustain you in your moments of grief. Thanks for listening.
Today is Angela's birthday. She would have been 42 today. She would have been enjoying her children, watching her eldest learn how to drive, teaching him how to drive, helping them through the pitfalls of high school & junior high. Instead, they are fighting their way through the darkness of their own grief and loss. We would have been sharing the pitfalls and joys of parenting, visiting each other once or twice a year, perchance even living close together again.
I miss talking with her. I miss our daily phone calls, her wisdom, her assertiveness, her humour, her no-nonsense take on life. We were so dissimilar, yet we were a match. I still have days when I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her something. It's been almost 6 years... will this pain end?
That's why I save it for her birthday. She died too close to Christmas to save it for that day, Christmas is still hard, but I need to leave my grief for a time when it won't ruin the joy for others. It took me a long time to dance with my children after she died because that's what I was doing when the police showed up at my door, I was dancing with Charlie to "The Six White Boomers".
My beautiful sister. Her death has saved lives, and will continue to save lives. I see that. I have a mission that partly arises from her story. I am left to tell her story, to share with others of her beautiful life, too quickly gone. There are women who have left their abusive marriages and relationships before they too ended up dead, women who had already left who were thinking of going back but stayed out because my sister didn't get out, women who didn't think verbal & emotional abuse was dangerous until they realized that was all my sister suffered at the hands of her husband until the fateful night when he killed her.
God takes the horrific, terrible events of this world and He turns them into beauty. He cannot change that it was terrible, He cannot change that it causes untold grief and pain, but He will take it and turn it and twist it until something good comes out of it, until it works out for His glory. Nothing in this world is untouched by God's hand, and when God's hand touches something it is changed for the better.
My sister's life was touched by God's hand. At the very end, she confessed Him as her Saviour and because of that I look forward to catching up with her all the way to heaven. She'll get to enjoy her children again, marvel in how well they did, I'll get to introduce her to my boys and we'll never be separated again. That is a day worth looking forward to, worth rejoicing in.
Here on this earth, I will fulfill the mission that God has given me. I will tell her story and my own until God has weaved together a tapestry of saved lives so beautiful that no darkness can hide it or destroy it again.
I'm going to keep dancing. Sometimes tears flow down my cheeks, but I'm not going to stop moving my feet.
May God bless you. May His love sustain you in your moments of grief. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Being Loved
There are days when I doubt my love-ability. Do you understand what I mean when I say that? I wonder if I can be loved, if there is something innately wrong with me that prevents me from being loved. Have I done something in my past that I don't remember that brought me to deserve being unloved? Was there something I have done that has caused those who claimed to love me to hurt me, abuse me, reject me?
I struggle to understand and accept God's love. How He can continue to love me after all these years, after all the things I do that break His heart. How can His love be unconditional? What IS unconditional love? I hurt Him, yet He still loves me? How can that be?
Do I have a wrong definition of love? Parents discipline their children out of love. Spouses get angry, yet still love. I've left my marriage because I will not be abused and I will not allow my children to be abused, but here's a confession... I still love my ex. I still love who I thought I married. I still wish that things were different. They aren't. He had his good moments, but they cannot overpower the abuse.
I feel alone. I feel dreadfully alone. Sometimes that aloneness leaves me feeling vulnerable, where it brings temptation. I suppose on the days that it brings me temptation it is good that I am alone. Some days, the worst thing about getting divorced is the being alone. Did I bring the aloneness on myself? Do I deserve to be alone? Unloved?
Am I brave enough to allow myself to open up and be loved again? Will I have the courage to be vulnerable enough to be rejected and hurt? Am I enough?
I'm still dancing, am I destined to dance alone?
I struggle to understand and accept God's love. How He can continue to love me after all these years, after all the things I do that break His heart. How can His love be unconditional? What IS unconditional love? I hurt Him, yet He still loves me? How can that be?
Do I have a wrong definition of love? Parents discipline their children out of love. Spouses get angry, yet still love. I've left my marriage because I will not be abused and I will not allow my children to be abused, but here's a confession... I still love my ex. I still love who I thought I married. I still wish that things were different. They aren't. He had his good moments, but they cannot overpower the abuse.
I feel alone. I feel dreadfully alone. Sometimes that aloneness leaves me feeling vulnerable, where it brings temptation. I suppose on the days that it brings me temptation it is good that I am alone. Some days, the worst thing about getting divorced is the being alone. Did I bring the aloneness on myself? Do I deserve to be alone? Unloved?
Am I brave enough to allow myself to open up and be loved again? Will I have the courage to be vulnerable enough to be rejected and hurt? Am I enough?
I'm still dancing, am I destined to dance alone?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Staying Strong
All my life, it seems, I have yearned for a hero. I've wanted someone to step up and save me. Today I considered this desire and I realized that it is strongest when I feel weak. I have concluded that I am not yearning so much for a hero to swoop in and save me from my life, I am yearning for someone to step up and be someone I can rely on, someone I can trust.
There has never been anyone there for me. When I needed to be strong, I needed to be strong, there was no one to take the weight off my shoulders. When things went wrong in life, as they are wont to do, I have always felt like I had to shoulder it alone, like if I don't stand strong and firm things will fall apart. I feel like I will fall apart if I don't "stay strong" because there will be no one to catch me if I fall.
It's the same when I am physically unwell. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, never stopping because I fear that if I stop I might not start moving again.
Is it okay to take a break from the dance? Is my stamina enough or am I going to break down trying to keep the dance going? Do I have enough faith to believe that God will carry me through despite my weakness? I am 100% certain that He can and will sustain me, is it weakness, lack of faith or wrong to want more?
I'm going to keep at the dance, I'm going to let Him lead me to rest. Here's praying I don't collapse under the steps ahead.
There has never been anyone there for me. When I needed to be strong, I needed to be strong, there was no one to take the weight off my shoulders. When things went wrong in life, as they are wont to do, I have always felt like I had to shoulder it alone, like if I don't stand strong and firm things will fall apart. I feel like I will fall apart if I don't "stay strong" because there will be no one to catch me if I fall.
It's the same when I am physically unwell. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, never stopping because I fear that if I stop I might not start moving again.
Is it okay to take a break from the dance? Is my stamina enough or am I going to break down trying to keep the dance going? Do I have enough faith to believe that God will carry me through despite my weakness? I am 100% certain that He can and will sustain me, is it weakness, lack of faith or wrong to want more?
I'm going to keep at the dance, I'm going to let Him lead me to rest. Here's praying I don't collapse under the steps ahead.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Doing the Impossible
How sad is it that I want to take over God's job? I want to be in control of my own life. I want to be able to make decisions and know that they will stick, that there is nothing in the way of me following through with them.
On Facebook there is an application called "God wants you to know". Today's message to me was "On this day, God wants you to know that when an impossible must happen, put it on God's to-do list. Well, if you can't make it happen, and no one else can, there is only one thing left to do, - finally look up and trust in God to make it right."
I like that, yet I must admit that my gut reaction is I'm tired of living every day like this. I am facing an impossible thing, or what feels like an impossible thing next week. There is something about to happen over which I feel like I have very little control and I am scared. There are so many things that could happen, so many ways it could go wrong and "everyone" tells me how small the chances of things going "right" are. There is nothing left for me to do but prepare and pray. Nothing left for me to do but trust that God has it all under control. He knew this was going to happen, He has orchestrated everything, why is it so hard for me to trust Him?
I'm going to keep dancing. I'm going to let Him lead and see where it takes us. Pray with me, please.
On Facebook there is an application called "God wants you to know". Today's message to me was "On this day, God wants you to know that when an impossible must happen, put it on God's to-do list. Well, if you can't make it happen, and no one else can, there is only one thing left to do, - finally look up and trust in God to make it right."
I like that, yet I must admit that my gut reaction is I'm tired of living every day like this. I am facing an impossible thing, or what feels like an impossible thing next week. There is something about to happen over which I feel like I have very little control and I am scared. There are so many things that could happen, so many ways it could go wrong and "everyone" tells me how small the chances of things going "right" are. There is nothing left for me to do but prepare and pray. Nothing left for me to do but trust that God has it all under control. He knew this was going to happen, He has orchestrated everything, why is it so hard for me to trust Him?
I'm going to keep dancing. I'm going to let Him lead and see where it takes us. Pray with me, please.
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