Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Being Loved

There are days when I doubt my love-ability. Do you understand what I mean when I say that? I wonder if I can be loved, if there is something innately wrong with me that prevents me from being loved. Have I done something in my past that I don't remember that brought me to deserve being unloved? Was there something I have done that has caused those who claimed to love me to hurt me, abuse me, reject me?

I struggle to understand and accept God's love. How He can continue to love me after all these years, after all the things I do that break His heart. How can His love be unconditional? What IS unconditional love? I hurt Him, yet He still loves me? How can that be?

Do I have a wrong definition of love? Parents discipline their children out of love. Spouses get angry, yet still love. I've left my marriage because I will not be abused and I will not allow my children to be abused, but here's a confession... I still love my ex. I still love who I thought I married. I still wish that things were different. They aren't. He had his good moments, but they cannot overpower the abuse.

I feel alone. I feel dreadfully alone. Sometimes that aloneness leaves me feeling vulnerable, where it brings temptation. I suppose on the days that it brings me temptation it is good that I am alone. Some days, the worst thing about getting divorced is the being alone. Did I bring the aloneness on myself? Do I deserve to be alone? Unloved?

Am I brave enough to allow myself to open up and be loved again? Will I have the courage to be vulnerable enough to be rejected and hurt? Am I enough?

I'm still dancing, am I destined to dance alone?

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