Thursday, September 15, 2011

Being Mom

For a long time now, I have been accused of being like my Mom. In fact, if my ex wanted to really irritate me and get under my skin or make me change my mind, he would just accuse me of acting like my Mom.

I love my Mom. She's been there, she and I are the only ones left of our core family, I understand her and how she's acted in the past, but she's hurt me a lot in that past.

I am not my Mom, though I admit that I look like her so much that when either of us walks into a room where someone knows the other one, it is almost inevitable that we get the comment "you must be Sarah's mom" or vice versa. I share some of her mannerisms because they are good mannerisms and, let's face it, she did raise me!

What I take exception to is being "accused" of acting like my mom or being my mom. Honestly, I am never accused of acting like my Mom in a good way, so this is a study into how I am NOT like my Mom, not how I am. Do I sound like I'm back-pedaling? I don't want to offend my Mom and I don't want you to think I don't like my Mom, I do. And for those things where she's hurt me, I've offered and she's accepted forgiveness and we've moved one from there. So, here is how I am not like my Mom.

Mom was not emotionally available when I was a child. She was hurting too much. She was a great mom in many ways! She didn't protect us from abuse. When we were being hurt, assaulted, she denied it, ignored it, disbelieved it. I will protect my children from abuse. I will stand up to an abuser to protect my children where I would not necessarily do so if I were alone.

I offer forgiveness when wronged. I may not let you back in my life, especially if you've been abusive to me or someone I love, but I will forgive you and I will not hold a grudge. When I suffer pain, I reach out for help, I don't hide it, I don't neglect it until it forces me to deal with it. I was once like that and it almost destroyed me. I won't do it anymore.

I'll trust. I accept that not all people in a "class" are the same, I will seek to trust and accept people until proven wrong. I will keep my eyes open, but I won't shut a person out before they have a chance to show me where they are. Will I get hurt with this method? Sure, but it's better than the alternative.

I am my mother's daughter. I am not my mother. Accusing me of being my mother or becoming my mother will not sway me any longer, it will not cause me to re-examine my decisions or actions because there are very strong, excellent reasons that show I am not my mother. I am me. I'll make decisions, I'll make mistakes, but they are mine to make. I get to chose what mistakes I make.

And I get to chose to dance in the rain that falls after the mistakes are made. Today I am thriving in my uniqueness. I am choosing to love being me, unique and talented in the way God made me.

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